What Men Really Want – Week 3 Findings

Hey you,

I hope you’ve enjoyed the interviews so far. This week we have some more interesting discoveries and some returning to a highly mentioned topic, and that is in the area of attractiveness. This is clearly a hot topic for men as it keeps coming up again and again. So how important is attractiveness for men really?

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Well, let’s have a look below at the 3 key points for this week.

1. What men are really looking for as far as looks go is that you look like you look after yourself. Men keep bringing up the same point, and that is that they want to see that you take care of yourself. This is true in how you put yourself together and whether you look well kept. It is also something they associate with women who look “fit”. In truth, men have a biological reason to be more interested in women who look more healthy and well put together. They correlate this with a woman who is both more likely to bear them healthy children (if she is younger) and to survive well into her years (if she is older). A woman who puts herself together better is also seen to be more stable emotionally and more positive.

2. However, despite the large focus on looks that men openly disclose, when it comes to long-term possibility, personality and rapport are key. So what are they looking for exactly? Men state over and over that they’re after a vibe that “just goes”. This includes easily flowing conversations, good banter (this is big in the UK and Ireland), fun on the phone and on dates, and, of course: that ever elusive and inexplicable “chemistry” (which is what it’s really about). Now although attraction has a significant part to play in chemistry, there are other tricks that we women can use to build chemistry (including that ideal balance of slightly flirty eye contact and subtle appropriate touch). Want to learn how to create this in your dates and get him dying to get to know you better with each time you meet? Sign up to my upcoming workshop on Unleashing Your Irresistibility.

3. What about once you’ve began to become more serious with each other? What is it that keeps the relationship growing and improving? Most men mention that having commonalities is key. This includes having common aspects of life style as well as a comment understanding of what a relationship should be like and where you are in it. For example, you may want to spend most of your free time with him, while he may want to have more free time for friends and his favorite activities. Find out early to avoid getting hung up and wasting time with someone who is unlikely to end up being a long-term partner (unless what you’re after is a persistent string of short-term relationships). Many men find independence very attractive in a woman, but as long as it’s coupled with femininity and a desire for inter-dependence (something I teach in my next workshop). A good relationship is born out of mutual respect and cherishing as opposed to a need for dependence. Want to know whether what he’s after is a long-term relationship or just a fling? Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want (just in the right way).

Want to learn how to make the best out of who you are already and to succeed in being desired by those great men out there? Sign up for my upcoming “Unleash your Irresistibility” workshop before the price goes up.

What Men Really Want? Week 2 Findings

  1. Being physically attracted to the woman they are with is essential to many men for falling in love with her

Men are visual creatures first. I teach that to women often in both my one to one coaching and my workshops. The first thing they notice is how you look, and it is still a big decision factor of whether they approach you or not, and whether they consider you a potential long-term partner or not. There is quite a lot written about what makes men attracted to women, including some very interesting research into a formula around waist-hip ratio (apparently the ideal is around 70%). But there are the other things that men won’t say but that they look for, like whether you look fit and healthy and whether you look feminine and well put together. When interviewed, the majority of men admitted to preferring women of average figure for potential long-term relationships. In other words, men preferred women with a figure who looked fit both over women who were too skinny or too fat. The reasons given were similar and, interestingly enough, had to do with men’s perceptions of both extremes signifying lack of health and self-care. While women who were heavily overweight seemed to alert men to lack of self-care or self-control; women who were too skinny seemed to signal either too much control (starvation) or lack of health (sickly; not eating healthily). The ideal woman for men, it appears, is one who has some curves and a figure. Men also prefer women who look after themselves and look well put-together and well-groomed. Feminine dress is always a plus!

  1. Hailing the independent, self-confident woman!

The feminist movement has come pretty far and though there have been some negative repercussions that most of us are aware of, this particular point is a big plus coming out of it. Though not all men of all generations have come around to the idea of the independent woman, most of the men I interviewed thought of this kind of woman as one to be proud of. Many men mentioned being more interested in a woman who is self-confident, outgoing, and active in her own life. So they’re not looking for a doormat who will be just about them, ladies. This is great news of course as the modern woman is now able to succeed in her life all on her own. It also means that men are not necessarily intimidated by successful women, as many clients who are successful women come to me claiming is the reason why they’re single. In fact, most men interviewed sang the praises of women who are independent and self-confident. So then where is the disconnect that leaves many independent and successful women alone and lonely? Well, that is precisely part of what I sought to uncover in the interviews. Part of the clue lay in what men didn’t say as much as in what they did say. The issue is that the independent woman often comes across as too independent, or that her energy comes across as too masculine for the masculine men that she is trying to pursue. Hence, I teach women to decide on which role in a relationship balance they’d like to play (is it the more feminine, softer energy or the more masculine pursuing energy). I also work with women to make sure that, once they’ve chosen their role, that they choose the right men to balance the relationship equation with. Much of my work also goes into helping women to uncover that sometimes elusive femininity that many wish to grasp but don’t know how.

  1. Show him you’re interested

As much as the feminist movement has helped women to become more independent (and has helped men realise how great an independent woman is), it has also hurt men’s confidence in approaching women. Gone are the days when an attractive, single woman is instantly approached by an equally attractive single man just because she’s single and is somewhere where single people would often be (say a bar or club). These days the whole game of approaching a woman is much more complicated for a man. There are many men I know who, despite being very attractive and eligible bachelors, will almost never approach a woman, even if very attracted to her. The problem is twofold: on the one hand, men worry more now about being shot down; on the other hand, many women (in particular ones who are independent and successful) have lost the ability to get a man to approach through the subtle act of flirting and seductive eye contact. You cannot imagine the power that having this ability has if used properly, and especially if combined with looking your best (for the situation at hand) and with feeling (and thinking) self-confident. Both of these are areas that I spend quite a lot of time teaching clients how to do in a way that brings about huge successes, both in my one to one work and in my workshops.

Want to find out more and learn how to appeal to what men really want? Join one of my upcoming workshops.

My next intake of one to one clients will be in June, but you can join my two new pilot workshops “Unleash the Irresistible Woman Within” at a significantly reduced rate by signing up on one of the links below. My London and NYC workshops coming up are 5 hours of learning and practice and a night out with me packed into one incredible evening. My online workshop takes much of the same learning and breaks it down into 5 live calls with me where I teach you for just under an hour and then take your questions for almost an hour. So that you finish each session having learned what you need to know to bring you closer to that ideal love life that you’ve always wanted!

What Men Really Want? Week 1 findings

Hello Readers, as you know I have started this amazing and eye-opening research titled ‘What Men Really Want? Honest Conversations with Quality Men‘. These are the three key findings from the last weeks interviews and I have decided to share them publicly, with you! Just so you know, the interviews themselves are unmissable, first hand  experiences and truth said from the men themselves. They are funny, raw and even hard to hear! Join my mailing list now at www.juliakeller.co.uk and get all past interviews as well as two interviews from quality men per week, till the end of May!

Now enjoy the findings,

1.       The importance of Eye Contact 
The use of good, flirty eye contact is not to be underestimated. This is the main thing that will signal that you’re interested in him and will give him the ok to approach and get him to cross the room just to say hello to you. (I teach a technique in my flirting module, both for my one to one clients and in my workshops.) But the use of eye contact doesn’t stop there. This is the most powerful way to establish desire on a date and during any communication with a man that you are attracted to. (This is again something that I teach thoroughly.) Almost all of the men that I interviewed mentioned eyes and eye contact among what they look at and what they are attracted to. One of my former clients even wrote a blog about my emphasis on smoky eyes before embarking on a date or night out. To read it, click here: http://juliakeller.co.uk/category/clientblogs/ and go to “Look in my eyes” by Natalie Davison.

2.       Show your interest
Nobody likes to be rejected, men especially. Hence, before most men will risk asking you out, they want to establish that you will actually say yes. This is where showing interest is so important. However, there is subtlety to showing this interest so that you don’t come across as desperate or needy. A warm smile and interested eyes go a long way, as well as finding activities and interests that you share that can help him find a reason to invite you to do something together. Subtle touch is also a good way to help him know that you’re actually interested in dating him and not just in hanging out with him as a friend (no one likes to be friend-zoned). This is again something that I teach in my one to one work with clients and my workshops. A man is more likely to venture to try and take your relationship to the next level if he believes that you also want to go with him there. This is especially true if your relationship up to now has been one of mainly friendship or if you know each other through the workforce (which is, after all, where so many people spend a vast majority of their time these days).

3.       Know where you stand
As much as he doesn’t want to be friend-zoned, you don’t want to be chasing a man who has already decided that he prefers you as a friend than as a potential lover, or that he sees you just as a short-term fling rather than as a longer-term potential partner. Hence, reading his subtle cues to figure out just how important you are to him really is key to making sure that you use your valuable time for the men who more deserve it. These cues include how often he reaches out to contact you and how he acts in your presence and even the words that he actually uses and how he treats you. If you’re feeling either neglected or ignored or mistreated, or if you get that nagging feeling that he seems to always have a million other priorities that creep up above you, that’s probably a good sign that you’re just not that important to him. You can do better. There are way too many other available men in this world for you to waste time on one who will never truly be available to you. Look elsewhere. Stuck on knowing whether you’ll ever be the one for him? Let me help you to interpret his cues and teach you how to meet that special someone who actually will care about you and treat you in that way that you truly deserve.

First in so many ways

Dear All ,

This year is the first in so many ways.  It is the first year in   which I truly feel that I am fulfilling my mission in life.  It is the first of so many important opportunities to truly have looked into myself and discovered who I really am and what I am meant to do in the bigger picture of life.  And it is, most importantly, the first time in a very long time that what I do as my job is what I have always wanted to do: to help women learn to feel good about themselves and to empower them to create the lives that they truly want to have, especially to create the love life that they ideally want. I have been doing this for years already, but now I am doing this for a living and able to focus on it entirely and completely.

For the first time ever, I can spend as much time as I want really helping women to find that inner love and personal confidence in themselves and then to teach themhow to go out there and take control of their lives to make their love life happen as they want it to, not waiting for someone else to do it for them.

Not too long ago I ended some very important relationships in my life because I did not feel that they were right for me long term.  Several years before that, I ended, with the paperwork to demonstrate its finality, my relationship with my husband (and the father of my children) of more than eight years.  I did not stop to worry at any point in any of these finalities of whether I would ever meet someone truly suited to me who I’d want to spend the rest of my life with. I just knew that I eventually would, if I wanted to. I never worried when leaving my husband – who was the main financial provider of our family – whether I would be able to survive without the ample financial means that marriage and life together with him provided. I just assumed that I would be fine. Now, many years after I took that brave move that set my life initially into darkness, I know that I will be much more than just fine. And I can honestly say that I have been more than fine after the end of each relationship that ended after that.

Not only that I was more than fine, but every ending brought about what was necessary for an even better beginning. Every new beginning to every new relationship created something that was better than what I had left behind. This is not of course to say that we should always leave something in the hopes of finding something better. In fact, much of my coaching is done with women who are in relationships already and who I help to value what they have so that they can truly appreciate how lucky they are to have it and then to even improve on it to such a degree that the relationship that they help to create, with just the right amount of coaching to empower them to create it, is a relationship so vastly improved from what they had when they first came to see me. So no I am not a supporter of walking away always in search of the better thing around the corner. But I do advocate walking away from something that isn’t working if it really doesn’t feel like it ever will be that which you seek. This is courage in and of itself; and it is a courage that comes from valuing who you are and what you stand for, and from knowing that you are amazing enough to have many other, better options than being stuck in something that isn’t working. This is what I do in my practice: I empower women with this kind of self-belief so that they never feel stuck again.

Julia xx