What I learned from my research


Hi there,

Last week was officially the final week of the What Men Really Want series (it’s all on YouTube on its own YouTube channel by the way if you missed some and also on my website blog section under that name. Here’s the link for you to tune in). Phew, that was a lot of learning, some of it tough to hear and some of it seemingly unfair sounding. As much as the “What Men Really Want” project was informative for my viewers, it was also a journey and eye-opener for me. So why did I do it? What was my intention and what did I want to achieve with putting this information out there?

Well, part of it began with my frustration at the dating world out there at the moment. We currently live in a swiping generation, where even online dating is out of date, and where there always seems to be something better around the corner. Many of the female clients that came to me complained over and over about how difficult it is to find that man that wanted what they wanted. Yet, the men that I worked with and spoke to had the same complaint about the women out there. So what was going wrong? If we were supposed to be such a liberated and equal generation, why was there constantly miscommunication between men and women? I wanted to get to the crux of the issue and so I approached it as I normally do: with learning. In other words, I began reading what I could find on the subject but pretty soon even that was not enough, especially as the many different books offered had conflicting messages. After speaking to a few male friends and colleagues who voiced their own frustrations, and randomly interviewing men I met at bars and other social venues, I decided that it was time that women learned about what their male counterparts wanted directly from the source, so I decided to make my not very scientific research a bit more formulated and actually record the answers that men gave me. 

What transpired from the video series wasn’t information that was completely surprising necessarily, but rather it was the consistency of the information phrased by different men on one and the same thing over and over again, that revealed aspects that possibly we as women miss the overarching importance of.

  1. Men are visual creatures first; but it is not that which will win his commitment and true love. We heard men repeat over and over again what they secretly want and even the extent to which it is important: a slim (though slightly curvy), attractive woman who is kind, caring and selfless yet also mysterious, self-confident and creative. Yes it’s a lot to ask for, but they believe that they deserve it and at least begin with that ideal in mind. As much as I always knew that men were visual creatures, I must say that even I was surprised by the extent of the importance of the visual as a first step towards them looking for the other elements that they wanted in order to feel that the woman was worth committing to. In order to commit, these quality men expected to find the full package in return. There is a bright side, however, even to this, a silver lining we can say, or even two. One of them is the parallel that many men made between the woman being fit and being healthy. As much as I tried to get an exact definition of what consisted of “slim”, different men had different ideas on the topic. The majority preferred that “average built” woman to one who was too skinny or too fat. So there is something about the average figure that they related to health and fitness. This is good as it means that health is part of the main driver. The other bright side is that youthfulness and vitality didn’t seem to have as much to do with actual age than with a mind-set and way of being. That certainly comes as a relief to me, as I’m fully aware of the fact that we all get older, chronologically, whether we want to or not. The idea is to look after ourselves as much as we can and remain healthy at any age.

I think the other bright side of this is that men don’t have a specific type that they all have in mind. They just have a quasy image of a woman that looks after herself, both in looking after her body, how she puts herself together, and her looks overall. So they like the idea of her looking good and trying but also want to see the natural her. It means that once he chooses you initially and has decided that he’s attracted to you, it means that he likes what he sees. So he’ll be looking for your personality to shine through after that. This means that though you should make an effort looks-wise, and of course look after your health, you also need to accept yourself as whom you are. Remember that all the men interviewed mentioned that they wanted a woman who was attractive, but they all defined this “attractive” in slightly different ways. So the basic learning point is do what you can to look after yourself (more for your own well-being and happiness with how you look than to attract a man) and look after your health, while also accepting yourself as you are. We all come in different shapes and sizes and the idea is to love ourselves first and the love from others will come as a natural extension.

  1. Open up to a relationship and to love and accept your vulnerability.Interestingly enough, interviewing men on what they really want, served to reveal what women really need to do – and that is to stop worrying so much about how to catch a man or how to “get a guy” and start finding that love and acceptance that they want to get from a man within themselves. Once you begin to love yourself and to accept yourself as you genuinely are, something amazing begins to happen: you begin to naturally blossom and to want totake care and look after yourself better. Having that ideal relationship that we all dream of begins with opening up to relationships in general. Finding true love and acceptance from another individual begins always with truly loving and accepting ourselves first. It comes from being kind on ourselves and on others, with giving ourselves a chance and cutting us some slack while also giving people a chance. Friendship begins with a smile; a relationship too. Being cold and distant, even if just out of shyness or fear of being bruised, is what keeps that ideal relationship far away. Allowing yourself to feel and accepting vulnerability is the first step towards love. Love can’t live where the heart is covered up or hidden or where fear of rejection screams louder than the willingness to take a risk. Therefore, the more open we become to love, the more love we can potentially allow ourselves to feel. Men have a fear of rejection just like we women do. That became clear too during the interviews. So our smile and welcoming eye contact sets him at ease and makes us seem more approachable and likeable: all first steps to him actually approaching and liking us. 

Having the opportunity to listen to so many great men who are just as eager to find love as we women are has been amazing. It became more and more clear to me that much of the issues have to do with a basic miscommunication between the two sexes. Never before have I felt as confident in the importance of this mission of helping love to grow and improve as I do now. Planting love and helping women to find love – which is also helping them to find happiness – seems, especially in these troubling political times, to be a very important mission indeed. 

  1. The woman who is self-aware and who is confident within her own skin is the one who shines with a natural light of attraction. The feminist movement has taken us women to an incredible level where we could not be without it. It has helped us understand that we can play many roles and that there isn’t one right or wrong way that works for everyone. Nothing is set in stone. This is amazing as we can be who we are and be beautiful even if we are not exactly the ideal of beauty that some beauty magazines want us to buy into. Each of us is unique and special in our own right and it is in the acceptance of ourselves that we find the confidence and positive self-awareness that makes us amazing. The “What Men Really Want” series revealed that it is the woman who is self-aware and who sheds a light of freshness with her positive attitude and her openness that is really the special one that shines in a crowd of negativity. What we have to keep in mind above all else is that we control our own reality and that we can create the life that we want for ourselves. When we approach life from that angle and see the beauty of it and how lucky we are to live within it, we come across very differently than when we look for what’s wrong with every situation. Optimism, hope, self-belief, and self-confidence are, hence, very attractive qualities that give the women who possess them a distinct advantage.

The point of this research into what quality men really want might have come across initially as trying to change women into one kind of prototype into some ideal version of what men were asking for. But, in fact, the purpose was exactly the opposite. It was designed to start an honest dialogue and create an environment in which the truth can be said and heard in order to empower women to realise that they probably already had that ideal woman within themselves all along, but just that they needed to uncover her further to demonstrate the truth of their own irresistibility. Empowering one gender does not in any way degrade the other. Hence allowing men to share their side of the miscommunication and to air their frustration was meant to help women to understand that actually both sexes want similar things in the end: to be loved, to be understood, to be respected or cherished, and to be admired as they are. Women and men naturally live together, are constantly in the relationships with each other (work, school, social, private, etc). Basically all areas of our lives are touched by the interaction between men and woman. Hence, both need to listen to each other. 

Many of you wrote and contacted me to tell me how much you were enjoying the series and to ask me if any of the men who participated are single (some of them still are by the way) and to thank me for the key points in each newsletter that clarified and simplified what the men had said that week (you can find the original newsletters on my blog with the key points if you missed any or want to read them again here)

If you’ve enjoyed this series, please share it with your friends and invite them to join my workshop on Tuesdays for the next few weeks at 8pm that is based on much of what was learned from the interviews and from my other research and modelling. You can now sign up for half the price of the initial workshop for the last few weeks and we’ll send you the recordings of the first two for free. So sign up today before while we still have space, just click here 

Being true to who you are will bring the balance you are looking for in love

Hi there,

This is the 10th and final week of the “What Men Really Want” series. And for this week, we thought we’d bring you something rather different from the typical men that we’ve been interviewing up to now. This time we have two men who say that they love curves and full-figured women, women who are more stable than unpredictable, and women who do more of the work in the seduction process. So here are some of the key findings below.

1.   A woman who is emotionally stable and sure of where she is in life and where she wants to be is very attractive to men who are ready for a serious relationship. Drama queens need not apply here. When a man is ready for a serious relationship, he is looking for the right woman to have that relationship with. Maybe women who are all over the place are exciting when he’s young and unsure, but when he’s ready for something serious, he wants a woman who’s dependable and reliable. Quirky is good and so is keeping it interesting. So you can channel all your unpredictable into the activities you plan on occasion and even occasional surprises and what you bring into the bedroom. In day to day life, however, being someone who he can count on is key. There is a certain point in life, when the curiosity for the other goes into deeper territory, towards a more spiritual relationship where the couples constantly explore each other. That exploration, which is beyond the dramatic reactions and outbursts of tantrums for example, can only come from the space of stability, meaning that there has to be a certain ground on which one understands the other person. Only based on something solid and known, can the deeper exploration into the other’s character really take place, which is deeply fulfilling for all involved. There is always space for the spontaneity and exploration within stability of course. Women who men often call Mysterious and having that ‘interesting factor’ comes from inner stability.

2.   There is no single one look that all men find ideal! All this talk about looks for the past 10 weeks has revealed that the real truth is that one ideal look that all men go for just does not exist! That’s actually fantastic news for all of us, as it indicates that no matter what you look like, there is probably someone out there who will find you attractive, especially if you look after yourself and put your best foot forward. Before you choose your partner hence, you should ask yourself what kind of life you want with that ideal man even before he comes into your life. Our own lives, daily routines, eating habits, exercise, hobbies etc, in a nutshell a ‘life style’ are indicators of our relationships. Therefore, if you would like to have an active, fun relationship these are the traits that your life should have whilst you are single as well. So if you are naturally a couch potato, most likely your relationship will include less physical activity and more staying in time. Make sure to choose a partner who suits. Some women have the idea of a prince who will rescue them, and even though love does make you see the world in more beautiful colours for a time (that is why we all need love!) it is only temporary. If your relationship has had a transforming effect on you, it is only because it brought you closer to who you really are and that is the beauty of love and a reason why we should always remain open to receiving it.

3.   Roles are not set in stone. The interviews this week proved again that roles can be more fluid. These particular men are absolutely fine with being pursued. The feminist movement created the opportunities for us women to be on either side of that balanced equation. When we say masculine-feminine qualities, we do not mean that they are exclusively gender bound. Those days are gone. In fact the fluidity of gender roles in relationships is an added advantage. The aim therefore is to find that ideal balance between two people where one takes the more masculine role in some areas while the other takes the more feminine role. Finding the ideal balance for each couple in a relationship is part of reaching that ideal balance in general and is likely something that caring couples work on throughout the lifetime together.

Need help in creating the kind of life that yields to a happy relationship with someone that you love waking up to and that makes you smile? Join the next module of my current workshop next Tuesday 8pm. If you have questions about what we will cover and what you could learn, schedule a call with me to find out more.

Julia xx

Week 9 – We are the swiping generation

We are the swiping generation

Hi there,

This is week 9 of our interview series. That means only a one more week to go after this one! This week our theme seems to be online dating, or rather should we say dating using the swipe apps, like Tinder, Bumble, JSwipe, etc. and how to make them work for the benefit of your dating life. This is something that many of my clients dread until they have my help to create super successful profiles for them. Then they realise just how much fun meeting men this way could be, and especially how many more men they could meet when they do this right and when they’re on the app that works best for them. So here are some hints of what men are looking for in a successful profile.

  1. It’s time to embrace an app for finding your next date! The interviews this week reveal that many successful, busy men are turning to apps to meet the women they date. So what are they looking for? Well let’s start with what they really don’twant to see. One thing men cringe about are women with photos pouting. “Why do I want to see a woman looking depressed?” one man said. “I prefer a natural smile”. The other thing men hate are pictures that look nothing like you. “It’s a huge turn off when I meet her and she’s looking 10 years older or 10kg heavier than on her photos. I’d rather see her as she is and decide then whether I want to meet her or not just as she is,” many men are saying. The other thing they don’t like are photos where you look like you are trying too hard: where you are too sexy, for example, or obviously showing off your body. Boobylitious pictures will simply make you come off as easy, which is probably not how you want to begin if you are after a long-term relationship or a commitment.
  1. Your lifestyle is what they see behind your look.Men like a woman who looks like she looks after herself. That’s what the whole obsession with slimness really is, especially as men prefer women who look sporty to women who are too skinny. Being slim represents a common healthy lifestyle, hence when men say they are looking for a woman who’s slim they mean one who lives a ‘healthy lifestyle’ and not one who is constantly dieting or worrying about the fact that she isn’t skinny enough. The models on the fashion magazines are there to appeal to women more than to men. Look at the difference with the type of women portrayed on men’s magazines: women with more curves for example. If you think this is in any way unfair, imagine for yourself: wouldn’t you prefer to spend time with a man who is eager to go out for a walk, to go on holidays, enjoy the outside, the beach, keeping fit, etc. With this kind of person one can enjoy more, the bottom line seems to be that healthy life style guarantees a more interesting life and a person with more energy to live life. Hence, find a way to work this into your profile and especially into your profile pics. Men like to see at least one photo of your full body and another of your face with a warm smile looking as “natural” as you can while still looking pretty. I just recently helped a new client change her photos to ones that fit within this and she reported that the interest she got from men went up significantly with this change.
  1. Men are interested in women who come across as feminine. Being feminine, as men see it is more than just how you look and how you dress. It is a way of acting and coming across that men really appreciate. Femininity assumes certain qualities that speak to men as ‘feminine energy’ and that greatly appeal to them. Appearing to be at ease with yourself and slightly teasing him, for example, but in a gentle sweet way. This is not staged teasing by the way which is completely unnatural to women. This can be demonstrated in a photo by wearing something which is not too revealing, yet invoking the imagination for instance. A sensual dress that drapes on you and reveals just enough to show off your figure a bit is a great example. It also can be revealed in how you write your short profile. I helped one client just reword her profile somewhat and the entire energy of what she wrote came across differently. Men responded immediately and she easily met someone wonderful that way who she is still dating now. Showing multi-dimensionality is feminine as is having an interest in life. The more you can demonstrate this, the better your success ratio will be.

Need help in creating the kind of profile that makes men want to get in contact with you? Join my upcoming workshop. If you have questions about what we will cover and what you could learn, schedule a call with me to find out more.

I’ve put the learning from the research with men into my upcoming workshop that will help you to Unleash the Irresistible Woman Within? Watch the video below and sign up to the workshops and learn how you too can remain genuine to who you are while also making yourself into the ideal version of you that has him wanting to know you better and better. Learn to set

What Men Really Want- Ask that question!

Hi there,

This is week 8 of our interview series. This week we admit that looks are important (all of our men interviews have made that apparent up to now) so it is not a point to ignore. However, good looks, as we’ve seen over the past weeks of interviews, go beyond just looking pretty. Most men have said that most women can make themselves look good with just a bit of effort. Looking good means keeping fit even as we age, though we all know that our bodies change with time. Looking good means thinking about what we wear (warning ladies, men are not that keen on Ugg boots despite the fact that they make your feet feel good) and being appropriate for whatever occasion. Looking good means elegance and femininity can be accomplished at any age (in fact, older women often have an advantage with this one). Looking good basically means looking after ourselves, and that is not something that stops with aging.

But let’s put that aside right now and dive into the actual nitty-gritty of what men really want from us women on a deeper level: from first date to long-term relationship. This week we manage to look further into what makes him choose you over other women, even if he has considerable choice.

  1. Most men, like us women, are looking for that ideal partner to share life with.This fact is an optimistic one and should put to rest the fear many women have that men are not after a long-term commitment but just want to fool around with as many women as possible. In fact, throughout this interview series, and beyond with the many men I’ve now spoken with, I’ve found the men who just want to have as many superficial flings as possible to be in the minority. Despite that, it is something that does exist with some men and hence women should make sure that when they fall for a man that he is the right one (check out the next point on how to figure this out). I have found, on the contrary, that men, like women, want to find that ideal partner who loves and respects them and who wants to be with them long-term. This is true even for men who have been married and divorced before and even for men who are not looking to have more children. Marriage is still a romantic ideal despite the many changes in society these days.
  1. The only way to know if he’s the right man is to ask the right questions.As I mentioned in the point above, there are many, many men who want to have an exclusive, long-term relationship with that someone special. There are also some men (unfortunately the same ones who give all men a bad name) that really are only in it for the short term fling element. The only way to know which man you have in front of you is to ask. And then listen and watch. Listen to what he says and listen for what he is saying between the lines without actually saying it. Ask follow up questions. Don’t be afraid to dig into the more tricky subjects if they are important to you.  It is not a bad idea to ask serious questions on date 2 or 3 for instance. After all, how will you know whether you are on the same page with issues such as commitment, marriage, etc if you don’t ask? What is important, however, is the tone in which you ask these questions. Keep it light and even slightly fun, while also exerting your standards in a charming, flirty, feminine way. Men find clarity attractive and find a woman with high standards as one to strive towards and work for. They respect a woman who respects herself. Clarity demonstrates confidence and also gives him the peace of mind to know that you are a woman who is discerning, which makes him feel all the more flattered by the fact of being your chosen one when you choose him. Confidence and commitment to your choices and peaceful, feminine strength are qualities that are very sexy in a woman
  1. Tenderness and nurturing care is a quality that many men would like to find in the woman they choose long-term.The pattern seems to be that strong women who are successful in their careers often lack the tenderness and nurturing qualities that are crucial in creating a lasting relationship. In fact lack of those qualities, or the man feeling insufficient nurturing and tenderness from the woman he’s with, is often the cause of breakups in many relationships. The desire for such qualities could also be the reason why many successful, powerful men choose women who are significantly less successful and powerful (think the cliché of the boss marrying his secretary). However, many of the men that I’ve interviewed actually sang the praises of successful, confident women, stating though that they also wanted her to be feminine, soft, and warm. Imagine then how amazing a woman you can be if you can walk the line of both: being feminine, tender and nurturing while also being confident, independent, and successful.

Want to learn how to walk this tender line? Join my upcoming workshop. If you have questions about what we will cover and what you could learn, schedule a call with me to find out more.

I’ve put the learning from the research with men into my upcoming workshop that will help you to Unleash the Irresistible Woman Within? Watch the video below and sign up to the workshops and learn how you too can remain genuine to who you are while also making yourself into the ideal version of you that has him wanting to know you better and better. Learn to set and exert standards successfully in a way that has him dying to be the one and only man in your life.

What Men Really Want – Fresh, Honest, Open

Hi there,

We are now on Week 6 of the “What Men Really Want” series so there are only a few more weeks of videos remaining for you to watch. I hope that you’ve found the series useful. I know that I have personally learned quite a lot for the wonderful, open men who have very kindly volunteered their time to answer my poring questions (of which there were quite a few that we’ve edited down significantly for you to benefit from). Some of the points seem to be repeated on quite a few of the interviews, telling me that they’re even more important to men than I even could have imagined. I now emphasize them even more in my upcoming workshops and my one to one work. I know that you like me are eager to learn as much as possible from what the men out there are telling us. We all want to be loved, appreciated, and understood. We also want to be accepted for who we are and not have to change ourselves to fit someone else’s mould. That’s been the toughest part for me to integrate into my work with clients, but also the most important. How do I help you to stay true to who you are while also helping you to brand yourself to be that ideal woman that your ideal man wants to spend the rest of his life with? All of this has been a work in progress and I have personally put every single thing I teach clients to do to practice myself. I’ve had my own amazing success story and I’ve seen so many clients with incredible success stories, all differing of course, but all incredible.

I know that you won’t want to miss any of the videos or blogs from the past, so we’ve made it easy for you to catch up on any that you’ve missed here.

This week’s theme seems to be about “freshness”. Men have mentioned over and over liking a woman who is fresh and also about keeping the relationship “fresh” even long-term. This theme has come up over and over again often phrased as a woman who’s playful, easy going, fun, elegant, graceful, charming and feminine – among others. So what is that freshness that men are looking for? The two interviews this week go into more detail on this, explaining what they think makes a woman fresh.

.   Fresh equals vitality. Vitality, by the way, is explicitly not exclusive to youth. Many men who were interviewed were asked the question of whether youth was an important factor for the woman they chose. Many of my clients are over 40 so this is of particular interest to me. Unfortunately, the culture we live in often puts quite a lot of emphasis on the beauty of youth. However, what the biggest reason stated by the men I interviewed for choosing women who were younger had to do with this aspect of vitality. One thing mentioned was fitness and the aspect of keeping a healthy body. Many of the interviewees who preferred younger women pointed to the fact that these women had more energy and were more active than the women they knew of their age. These men had woken up in their advanced years to the importance of fitness, exercise, and healthy eating and hence they were interested in women who expressed those same interests. I have seen many such women of all ages who demonstrated this vitality, as well as grace and femininity. This interviewee mentioned meeting such women in yoga classes, and I personally have met both yoga instructors and students in their 50s, 60s, and 70s who clearly were full of this vitality. Some of them demonstrated more grace and beauty than women I’ve met in their 20s who take less care in how they look after, and what they put into, their bodies.

2.   Fresh is an expression of character. Beautiful eyes and a nice smile have come up again and again for a reason. “The eyes are a mirror to the soul,” as the expression goes. We show a lot more than we know through our eyes. For example, I know some women who are models or former models and are clearly very attractive who take great care to make sure that their clothes and makeup look immaculate when they go out, and that’s after spending hours at the gym each day. However, they neglect spending time on their minds and their lack of interest in the world is clearly seen through their eyes that lack energy and that give away disinterest when anything outside of their world of superficiality is mentioned. I know other women who are perhaps less beautiful or superficially perfect who manage to captivate with their energy, genuine interest, and constant spark. These women are the ones who keep a man’s interest beyond just sexual attraction. Men constantly mention the need for an elusive thing known as chemistry, which they say is “difficult to explain”. But chemistry is something they claim that goes beyond just physical attraction. It includes her captivating smile; eye contact that seems to speak directly to the man inside him; a warm and tactile nature; and an expression of character which is curious, internally energetic and friendly. Freshness is another word to describe this kind of nature. Freshness is the expression of one’s openness. It is a constant renewal of interest, a persistence in learning new things and an openness to new ideas. When I did my NLP course recently, for example, there were so many students and trainers of vastly different ages. All of us left that course feeling renewed, refreshed, and excited for all of the new information that we’d learned. Freshness is a quality of a person who is present, not stuck in the past dwelling on once experienced hardships and pains. Looks is only one aspect; but freshness and attraction and chemistry goes well beyond just looks.

3.   Fresh is a term that can apply to that amazing relationship. We all dream of having that ideal relationship: the one that seems always loving, romantic and is constantly self-renewing and flowing together. Another point that has come up over and over again in the interviews is the aspect of creating a life together, doing things together with full honesty, integration, and genuine mutual interest. This seems like the ideal for those of us who are genuinely interested in many things, and something potentially easy to fake for those with limited interests outside their own superficial worlds. While I personally believe that any reason to learn new things and begin new hobbies and potentially open up our worlds to new ways of seeing things is something positive, it should be something that we do because we genuinely are interested in doing it and not just for the sake of pleasing the other person enough to get that next date. Trying any activity should therefore firstly be done with an open mind and a genuine interest. So it is not the fact that I change my interests to adapt to yours, but rather that we both have an open mind to giving some activities a try together. This will then essentially be linked with self-discovery as well as with discovery of the world and new ideas in general. I discovered my keen love of cycling, for instance, because of a former boyfriend who was a cycling fanatic. I still remember fondly some of the incredible holidays and weekends away we would go on together cycling through many different territories and discovering new paths. I still to this day am an avid cyclist thanks to having my eyes opened to the sport by this significant person in my life years ago. That’s very different than pretending to like doing something just to get to the next date and then returning to the person we are once that person isn’t watching. That isn’t being genuine or true to ourselves and that lie of self will eventually come out as it always does. I can recount one story that a male friend of mine tells with particular distaste about a woman he was very attracted to who pretended to be as into healthy eating and exercise as he was. He thought they were ideal for each other, until one day when he took her for what he thought was a romantic cycle and she spent most of it whining about how long and arduous it was. Shortly after when they stopped for a rest to buy some “healthy snacks” he was further dismayed when she insisted on getting two very unhealthy candy bars and some crisps. Ordinarily, eating unhealthily every once in a while wouldn’t be a big deal for most people. However, she had insisted the entire time of their dating that she was as much of a health fanatic as he was and so that “romantic” weekend together that was supposed to bring them closer together actually served to make her seem like a liar in his eyes. The point of course is that in order for a relationship to remain fresh both of the people in it have to first be genuine and honest with themselves and with each other. Then there is the potential for each to introduce their favourite interests and for both to grow further together by seeing things through the other’s point of view and by learning from each other.

Hence, my mission to help people find love always begins with sessions of self-understanding and uncovering what is genuine and true for you and the core essence of who you are. I first ask my clients what it is that they like to do and then to imagine what their ideal partner would be like.

Does this resonate with you? I’ve put the learning from the research with men into a workshop that will help you to Unleash the Irresistible Woman Within? Watch the video below and sign up to one of my upcoming workshops and learn how you too can remain genuine to who you are while also making yourself into the ideal version of you that has him wanting to know you better and better.

What Men Really Want Week 6

Hey you,

So this week we come back again to what men really want. This time we are confronted with the “grass is always greener” topic that many of my clients worry about and that has been further enabled by today’s Tinder generation. “How do I know that I’ll be good enough for him,” they ask. “How do I know that he isn’t online or on an app still chatting with and meeting other women while we’re together? This is a question that many of my clients ask about frustrated by the lack of commitment that they seem to find with men  they meet these days.

Yes I admit that it is certainly more difficult to find commitment these days. However, as the men interviewed have shown us, and as I teach my clients, getting commitment begins with exerting your standards. In fact, how exactly to do this for maximum success in love is something that I’ve been teaching my clients since I began love coaching. If you want to know more about how to succeed in love even during the Tinder generation, join my upcoming online workshop.

Here is what the two men this week have said they are looking for in a woman.

1) A woman who is slightly mysterious, while also friendly and feminine, is one that draws men’s interest to her. These days I see many women who come across as too “easy”, either in how they dress or in how they carry themselves. However, most quality men are not attracted to ‘over the top’ or lad like women (known as ladettes here) — except maybe for a “quick fix”. A somewhat mysterious woman commands their intrigue immediately. “I am wondering, ‘what is she thinking'” one of our men this week says. That slight challenge is much more interesting for men. Commanding that s kind of intrigue is something I teach in my upcoming workshop as well.

2) Men prefer women who look like they look after themselves. The fact that men are visual creatures has been repeatedly mentioned every week. This week we get additional clarity into this idea. Men are looking for a woman who looks like she loves herself enough and this includes taking the time to take care of herself. This is a natural reaction and makes perfect sense: when we love our children it becomes second nature to take care of them; the same is true with our other half. Taking care of something or someone is innately embedded in the idea of love. Hence, equally men and women who love themselves will take care of themselves. A woman who loves herself enough to look after herself therefore comes across as more emotionally stable than one who doesn’t. Men then see her as less needy and more secure and hence more pleasant and more fun to be with. Yes it’s a jump, but it’s one that men make so best is to put your best foot forward and to give yourself the biggest possibility and advantage. This in no way means to sacrifice your identity over a set standards of looks – remember that different men find different looks beautiful. However the one standard is for a woman to look as if she looks after herself.

3) To get that amazing man to approach you, you need to make yourself more approachable. The reason why so many women are disappointed with the men they meet in many social situations is because they are waiting to be approached by any man instead of creating an atmosphere that encourages the man they actually want to approach them. Some men just play with the law of numbers, approaching as many women as they can so that when he has approached you, he has also approached another 10 women in the room (if not more). “It’s an age when it is much harder for a man to swoop in, grab a woman, put her over his shoulder and leave,” one man says. Women are always surrounded by other women. So a tip: if you want a certain man to approach you who you think may be interested, just isolate yourself  for a bit; maybe go to get a drink on your own or walk slowly to the ladies’ room and give him “the look” as you pass by him. Need more flirting tips of how to get him to approach. Join my upcoming workshop on uncovering the irresistible woman within and become the woman that he wants to cross the room to speak to.


Julia xx


Hi there,

We are now just past the halfway point of the “What Men Really Want” series so that only a few more weeks of videos remain for you to watch. I hope that you have been enjoying the series up to now. You can catch up on any blogs that you’ve missed here, just click here.

As we’re now just past the halfway point, I thought I’d give you a quick recap of what many of the men have said up to now, as well as leave you with a video of what I’m bringing you based on this research.

1.    Men are even more visual than you think. After all of the many interviews where men have talked very freely about what attracts them, and about the importance of the physical vision of the woman, it’s pretty clear that this is something that just isn’t going to change. As unfair or superficial as this may sound, it’s actually rather helpful as well. In fact, knowing that men are visual first means that you must attract him with this in mind. You must first appeal to his visual sensors before appealing to his other senses, including his mind. Yes it does mean that you may have to put more focus on looking your best than you’ve been accustomed to doing. But making sure to look good will also make you feel good. In fact, the majority of my clients have reported a significant boost to their self-esteem just by putting to practice the first half of the first module on femininity (which is about making the most of what they find most attractive about themselves), Attract him by keeping this in mind. That doesn’t mean that he won’t love you when he sees you not looking your best once you know each other for a while, but when you meet him initially, he must see you looking great as he sees many women and you want to be noticed. You may think that this is cheating or unfair or too much pressure, but just look back at your life. Have you ever had a successful relationship with a man who doesn’t find you attractive? The best way to catch a mouse is with cheese. You wouldn’t leave chocolate for the mouse just because you like, now would you? When trying to catch yourself a great match, bait him with what he looks for first: your looks.

2.    Men love women who value themselves. Hence, self-confidence is very important. He wants to believe that you believe that you are worthy of having a great catch and that you chose him as that great catch. That’s very different from you being with him because he’s the only man who’s ever paid attention to you. Just as much as you want to feel like he chose you above all other women (and that he keeps choosing you), he wants to feel that you chose him. In fact, feeling chosen by you isn’t just a boost to his self-confidence, it also makes him feel that he can trust you more when you’re around other men. If you actively chose him thereby refusing other men before, then he has the security to feel that you’ll choose him over other men again and that makes him feel secure when you go out with your girlfriends, work mates, etc. Many men mention this trusting of a woman as very high on their list. They also like a woman who has her own life and doesn’t need him to create her life but rather wants him to enhance it because of the great time they have together.

3.    Give him the ok to go after you and to pursue you, but don’t make it too easy. Men are just like you in a way: they also worry that you won’t like them and that you may reject them if they come up to you. Hence, they are looking for the ok from you telling them that they can come up to you. That’s what the module teaching you highly effective flirting techniques is all about. It helps you to attract him towards you. Once he approaches you, however, you need to be able to keep his interest with a balance of showing that you like him, but also leaving him the space to pursue you while even making it a bit of a challenge (but still demonstrating interest). This is certainly quite a complicated balance to keep, so much so that I dedicate several parts of several modules of my workshop to exactly how to do this effectively, both when he initially speaks to you and when you’re dating him at different points of the relationship.

Want to find out more of how I’ve put the learning from the research with men into a workshop that will help you to Unleash the Irresistible Woman Within? Watch the video below and sign up to one of my upcoming workshops in the series. Remember that you can benefit from 25% off by using the code BetterLoveLife, but only for one week.

Watch the video here

What Men Really Want Week 5

Hi there,

I hope that you have been enjoying the “What Men Really Want” series up to now. You can catch up on all the interviews here

This week we have a much more physiological discussion about what core character men really find attractive.

  1. Everything is about self-belief first

Men are first and foremost attracted to women who possess a true self-confidence and self-belief. This means a true acceptance of who you are and what you stand for first, even before finding that ideal man. Everything in life is about self-belief, from your success with men to your success in business, to your success in life in general. You must first believe in, and truly accept, yourself. Then you work to make yourself the best woman that you can be, but one that is also true to who you already are. A woman who is truly confident, is one who doesn’t “need” a man. She is with him because she wants to be. Hence she is not clingy and so he feels better around her and like he needs to keep winning her; not like she will be with him no matter how he treats her (even if that’s pretty badly). That is very important for maintaining a constantly growing relationship as opposed to a static one that eventually one or the other of the couple will get bored with. Everything is in motion, so the relationship maintains its excitement and the love only grows. There is a sort of formula which goes something like:

Confidence + Elegance + Femininty + Eye contact = Attraction

  1. Excess in women in generally seen as unattractive

Excess in women (or in anyone in general) is considered unattractive. It is seen as a lack of self-control and that keeps coming up over and over as a distinct negative. Men want to imagine the woman that they choose to spend their life with as one who can control herself in the many aspects of life. Hence overconsumption of food, alcohol, drugs, or even sex or material accumulation (shopaholic) is seen as an unhealthy excess in character and a lack of healthy control. Being slightly reserved (while still maintaining charm) is therefore seen as feminine. Women who jump too much at men come across as desperate and needy and hence also kill the chase. This doesn’t mean, of course, that you should appear aloof or uninterested. Quite the opposite as your disinterest will also make him look elsewhere. Rather, you should be able to hold back and to signal your interest in more feminine ways. Sounds challenging? This is exactly what I teach women in both my workshops and my one to one practice. Want to learn what this means and how to do this yourself to meet the best match for you? Join one of my upcoming workshops on Unleashing the Irresistible Woman Within.

  1. Masculine men are attracted by feminine women

We all have heard the stereotypes about the Eastern European women, both the positive and the negative. Being from Eastern Europe originally myself, but having spent most of my life now in both the US and UK, I get many comments from men on either side of the Eastern European woman debate. One of the positive comments that I hear often about Eastern European women and that attracts many Western men to them is their understanding of the roles of the masculine and the feminine energies and how they can work together. Eastern European women are known for using their feminine energy as a strength to achieve their means. Many men these days feel emasculated by the modern-day sex roles confusion and hence they enjoy meeting a woman who is comfortable embracing her femininity. They also value the quiet composure that many of these women possess, including a natural poise, elegance, and almost a kind of mystery. Their sexuality comes across in a more subtle way, without being overt or tacky.

Want to find out more and learn how to appeal to what men really want? Join one of my upcoming workshops.

My next intake of one to one clients will only be in September, but I am now officially launching my workshop series “Unleash the Irresistible Woman Within”. My London and NYC workshops coming up are 5 hours of learning and practice and a night out with me packed into one incredible evening. My online workshop takes much of the same learning and breaks it down into 5 live calls with me where I teach you some incredible techniques of how to meet and get amazing men for just about an hour during 5 weekly calls and then take your questions for another hour in those calls. So that you finish each session having learned what you need to know to bring you closer to that ideal love life that you’ve always wanted! Look out for what exactly will be in those training listed in my Thursday mailer.

What Men Really Want Week 4 Findings

Hey you,

This week we have two highly different and very interesting interviews with two men who couldn’t be more different in style. While the man doing the video intervijavascript:void(0);ew was quite keen to give his feedback, the one who agreed to give the audio interview felt that this type of questioning was disempowering to women and wondered why women should even consider what men want from them rather than just being as they themselves want to be. However, despite his hesitation, his answers and opinions are very helpful to women.

Here are the 3 key points for the week:

Watch Videos Here
1. A truly attractive woman isn’t only attractive to men, she is attractive to most people in general. This type of woman is empowered, dynamic, and comfortable in her own skin. She is interesting and interested. She possesses a genuine charm and a positive outlook and she looks after herself. Does this sound difficult to achieve or impossible to become? Well I promise you that it isn’t. I work with women, just like you, every day who begin their journey feeling insecure and unsure of themselves only to grow significantly in their self-belief and their self-assurance thanks to the coaching process. This is the basis of what my upcoming workshop on uncovering the irresistible woman within is all about.

2. Women who are passionate and interested in the world are especially attractive. There is something about a woman who possesses a natural passion and curiosity and interest in the world around her that men keep referring to.This kind of woman has a vision for her life and drive and passion for something, whatever it may be (often not related to business or financial goals). She is the kind of woman that men find interesting to be with because she is attentive and genuinely interested both in them and in the world and people around her. She is good-natured and ready to explore things and learn something new. This is the kind of woman who is just interesting to be with, whether as a life partner or a friend. She is the kind of woman that people in general want to have around them.

3. Many men may need your help to help them approach you. While some men mentioned that they were confident enough to approach any woman that they found attractive, most men actually suggested that they are looking for your “green light” to approach and also to then continue the conversation once approached and to also ask you out for a further date. What’s the best way to give this “green light”? Well that’s what appropriate flirting is all about and what I teach in one module of my upcoming workshop. Basically it involves eye contact, smiling, and conversation that leaves him yearning to see you again. It’s a technique that I’ve perfected with clients and that has led them to command dramatic results. Want to know more? Sign up for my upcoming workshop to learn that and so many other tips that will unleash the irresistible woman within you!

What Men Really Want – Week 3 Findings

Hey you,

I hope you’ve enjoyed the interviews so far. This week we have some more interesting discoveries and some returning to a highly mentioned topic, and that is in the area of attractiveness. This is clearly a hot topic for men as it keeps coming up again and again. So how important is attractiveness for men really?

Watch Videos Here


Well, let’s have a look below at the 3 key points for this week.

1. What men are really looking for as far as looks go is that you look like you look after yourself. Men keep bringing up the same point, and that is that they want to see that you take care of yourself. This is true in how you put yourself together and whether you look well kept. It is also something they associate with women who look “fit”. In truth, men have a biological reason to be more interested in women who look more healthy and well put together. They correlate this with a woman who is both more likely to bear them healthy children (if she is younger) and to survive well into her years (if she is older). A woman who puts herself together better is also seen to be more stable emotionally and more positive.

2. However, despite the large focus on looks that men openly disclose, when it comes to long-term possibility, personality and rapport are key. So what are they looking for exactly? Men state over and over that they’re after a vibe that “just goes”. This includes easily flowing conversations, good banter (this is big in the UK and Ireland), fun on the phone and on dates, and, of course: that ever elusive and inexplicable “chemistry” (which is what it’s really about). Now although attraction has a significant part to play in chemistry, there are other tricks that we women can use to build chemistry (including that ideal balance of slightly flirty eye contact and subtle appropriate touch). Want to learn how to create this in your dates and get him dying to get to know you better with each time you meet? Sign up to my upcoming workshop on Unleashing Your Irresistibility.

3. What about once you’ve began to become more serious with each other? What is it that keeps the relationship growing and improving? Most men mention that having commonalities is key. This includes having common aspects of life style as well as a comment understanding of what a relationship should be like and where you are in it. For example, you may want to spend most of your free time with him, while he may want to have more free time for friends and his favorite activities. Find out early to avoid getting hung up and wasting time with someone who is unlikely to end up being a long-term partner (unless what you’re after is a persistent string of short-term relationships). Many men find independence very attractive in a woman, but as long as it’s coupled with femininity and a desire for inter-dependence (something I teach in my next workshop). A good relationship is born out of mutual respect and cherishing as opposed to a need for dependence. Want to know whether what he’s after is a long-term relationship or just a fling? Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want (just in the right way).

Want to learn how to make the best out of who you are already and to succeed in being desired by those great men out there? Sign up for my upcoming “Unleash your Irresistibility” workshop before the price goes up.

What Men Really Want? Week 2 Findings

  1. Being physically attracted to the woman they are with is essential to many men for falling in love with her

Men are visual creatures first. I teach that to women often in both my one to one coaching and my workshops. The first thing they notice is how you look, and it is still a big decision factor of whether they approach you or not, and whether they consider you a potential long-term partner or not. There is quite a lot written about what makes men attracted to women, including some very interesting research into a formula around waist-hip ratio (apparently the ideal is around 70%). But there are the other things that men won’t say but that they look for, like whether you look fit and healthy and whether you look feminine and well put together. When interviewed, the majority of men admitted to preferring women of average figure for potential long-term relationships. In other words, men preferred women with a figure who looked fit both over women who were too skinny or too fat. The reasons given were similar and, interestingly enough, had to do with men’s perceptions of both extremes signifying lack of health and self-care. While women who were heavily overweight seemed to alert men to lack of self-care or self-control; women who were too skinny seemed to signal either too much control (starvation) or lack of health (sickly; not eating healthily). The ideal woman for men, it appears, is one who has some curves and a figure. Men also prefer women who look after themselves and look well put-together and well-groomed. Feminine dress is always a plus!

  1. Hailing the independent, self-confident woman!

The feminist movement has come pretty far and though there have been some negative repercussions that most of us are aware of, this particular point is a big plus coming out of it. Though not all men of all generations have come around to the idea of the independent woman, most of the men I interviewed thought of this kind of woman as one to be proud of. Many men mentioned being more interested in a woman who is self-confident, outgoing, and active in her own life. So they’re not looking for a doormat who will be just about them, ladies. This is great news of course as the modern woman is now able to succeed in her life all on her own. It also means that men are not necessarily intimidated by successful women, as many clients who are successful women come to me claiming is the reason why they’re single. In fact, most men interviewed sang the praises of women who are independent and self-confident. So then where is the disconnect that leaves many independent and successful women alone and lonely? Well, that is precisely part of what I sought to uncover in the interviews. Part of the clue lay in what men didn’t say as much as in what they did say. The issue is that the independent woman often comes across as too independent, or that her energy comes across as too masculine for the masculine men that she is trying to pursue. Hence, I teach women to decide on which role in a relationship balance they’d like to play (is it the more feminine, softer energy or the more masculine pursuing energy). I also work with women to make sure that, once they’ve chosen their role, that they choose the right men to balance the relationship equation with. Much of my work also goes into helping women to uncover that sometimes elusive femininity that many wish to grasp but don’t know how.

  1. Show him you’re interested

As much as the feminist movement has helped women to become more independent (and has helped men realise how great an independent woman is), it has also hurt men’s confidence in approaching women. Gone are the days when an attractive, single woman is instantly approached by an equally attractive single man just because she’s single and is somewhere where single people would often be (say a bar or club). These days the whole game of approaching a woman is much more complicated for a man. There are many men I know who, despite being very attractive and eligible bachelors, will almost never approach a woman, even if very attracted to her. The problem is twofold: on the one hand, men worry more now about being shot down; on the other hand, many women (in particular ones who are independent and successful) have lost the ability to get a man to approach through the subtle act of flirting and seductive eye contact. You cannot imagine the power that having this ability has if used properly, and especially if combined with looking your best (for the situation at hand) and with feeling (and thinking) self-confident. Both of these are areas that I spend quite a lot of time teaching clients how to do in a way that brings about huge successes, both in my one to one work and in my workshops.

Want to find out more and learn how to appeal to what men really want? Join one of my upcoming workshops.

My next intake of one to one clients will be in June, but you can join my two new pilot workshops “Unleash the Irresistible Woman Within” at a significantly reduced rate by signing up on one of the links below. My London and NYC workshops coming up are 5 hours of learning and practice and a night out with me packed into one incredible evening. My online workshop takes much of the same learning and breaks it down into 5 live calls with me where I teach you for just under an hour and then take your questions for almost an hour. So that you finish each session having learned what you need to know to bring you closer to that ideal love life that you’ve always wanted!

What Men Really Want? Week 1 findings

Hello Readers, as you know I have started this amazing and eye-opening research titled ‘What Men Really Want? Honest Conversations with Quality Men‘. These are the three key findings from the last weeks interviews and I have decided to share them publicly, with you! Just so you know, the interviews themselves are unmissable, first hand  experiences and truth said from the men themselves. They are funny, raw and even hard to hear! Join my mailing list now at www.juliakeller.co.uk and get all past interviews as well as two interviews from quality men per week, till the end of May!

Now enjoy the findings,

1.       The importance of Eye Contact 
The use of good, flirty eye contact is not to be underestimated. This is the main thing that will signal that you’re interested in him and will give him the ok to approach and get him to cross the room just to say hello to you. (I teach a technique in my flirting module, both for my one to one clients and in my workshops.) But the use of eye contact doesn’t stop there. This is the most powerful way to establish desire on a date and during any communication with a man that you are attracted to. (This is again something that I teach thoroughly.) Almost all of the men that I interviewed mentioned eyes and eye contact among what they look at and what they are attracted to. One of my former clients even wrote a blog about my emphasis on smoky eyes before embarking on a date or night out. To read it, click here: http://juliakeller.co.uk/category/clientblogs/ and go to “Look in my eyes” by Natalie Davison.

2.       Show your interest
Nobody likes to be rejected, men especially. Hence, before most men will risk asking you out, they want to establish that you will actually say yes. This is where showing interest is so important. However, there is subtlety to showing this interest so that you don’t come across as desperate or needy. A warm smile and interested eyes go a long way, as well as finding activities and interests that you share that can help him find a reason to invite you to do something together. Subtle touch is also a good way to help him know that you’re actually interested in dating him and not just in hanging out with him as a friend (no one likes to be friend-zoned). This is again something that I teach in my one to one work with clients and my workshops. A man is more likely to venture to try and take your relationship to the next level if he believes that you also want to go with him there. This is especially true if your relationship up to now has been one of mainly friendship or if you know each other through the workforce (which is, after all, where so many people spend a vast majority of their time these days).

3.       Know where you stand
As much as he doesn’t want to be friend-zoned, you don’t want to be chasing a man who has already decided that he prefers you as a friend than as a potential lover, or that he sees you just as a short-term fling rather than as a longer-term potential partner. Hence, reading his subtle cues to figure out just how important you are to him really is key to making sure that you use your valuable time for the men who more deserve it. These cues include how often he reaches out to contact you and how he acts in your presence and even the words that he actually uses and how he treats you. If you’re feeling either neglected or ignored or mistreated, or if you get that nagging feeling that he seems to always have a million other priorities that creep up above you, that’s probably a good sign that you’re just not that important to him. You can do better. There are way too many other available men in this world for you to waste time on one who will never truly be available to you. Look elsewhere. Stuck on knowing whether you’ll ever be the one for him? Let me help you to interpret his cues and teach you how to meet that special someone who actually will care about you and treat you in that way that you truly deserve.