If you’ve just returned to dating after an absence, or if you’ve been disappointed in the past because you’ve jumped into bed too quickly, and hence the relationship you had high hopes for, seemed to fade just as quickly, then you may want to read this newsletter.
Yes we’ve covered this topic before in the past. But, to be fair, this is really one of the questions I get asked the most when people hear that I’m a Love Coach, so I’m covering this topic again.
To be frank, this is an area which has always had a sexist divide. Though women are now (obviously) not expected any longer to be virgins on their wedding night, they are still discouraged from indulging in too many sexual partners, while men don’t suffer from the same prejudice and are often even encouraged (by the “guys” and locker room talk) to be more sexually active and adventurous. The fact is that, as women, we are, as the ones being entered during a sexual connection, the ones who have to be more careful with who we allow to enter and any repercussions that may result. We are also much more likely to be judged harshly for being too “easy” by both men and women alike if we indulge too often. The amount of times that men have told me that they decided not to see a woman they went to bed with quickly again because (as they put it) “who else is she going to bed with just as quickly?” is enough to drive me wild with the injustice. After all, isn’t he jumping into bed just as quickly with her?
As a woman, I have always been very consciously aware of this double standard and the need to be careful. I also get how easy it could be, especially when lonely or just in need, to jump in too quickly, either in a phase of self destruction (convinced that nothing can harm us), in a moment of lacking self respect (when we don’t care enough to protect ourselves), in a time of pure need (when our body just craves that kind of touch), or in a moment of naive trust (when we believe he means well even if he’s just following his desires).
The fact is that as women we decide who we Open the gates to and when. In this concern, I still believe that traditional values (with a modern twist) remain the most attractive and in fact the healthiest. What I mean by this is that it is healthier and wiser to wait a bit before jumping into bed with that hot new prospect. Why not get to know him first and see what he’s really like. Is he just an attractive guy who knows how to charm the pants off of you (literally) but will disappear once he’s had his fill or his immediate needs met, or is he a good guy who actual wants to create something real with you? The only way to find out for sure is to wait before you “get jiggy with it”. I promise you that if he actually really likes you for you, and not just because you’re an instant solution to meeting his needs, he’ll be ok with waiting until you’re ready. And if he isn’t, well trust me you’re better off without him anyway as he probably was never planning on sticking around in the first place. Feel good you dodged a bullet and didn’t let a man like that inside you only to be hurt later.
Keep in mind, however, that just because you’ve resolved to wait to have sex, it doesn’t mean that the men in your life will stop trying to hurry you (nor should they). If you’re a sexually attractive woman, men you meet will always be thinking about having sex with you (enjoy it; it’s a compliment). Soon after your first or second or third date with a man, he will likely make a move towards sex, or hint that he’s interested in it; this is natural and a good sign that he is attracted to you. This is a moment when you can set your values, and should never be afraid that you will lose him by not going for it just because he’s pushing you. Only one type of man won’t wait and that’s a Player
A good guy who wants you for you, and wants something real with you, will wait to be with you. Take this opportunity and test his intentions. With a bit of self reservation and self control, not only can you present yourself as a woman who values herself but actually help him to get to know you better first, so that later when you do finally make love, it will not be just to fulfil a need or feed a hunger (leaving him just as quickly gone); but will rather be as it should always have been: to truly deepen the relationship.