Q&A with coach Julia Keller

Your Love Questions Answered 

Many, many of you have asked me quite a few questions about dating, love, relationships, and even sex. A few of you (you know who you are) who’s questions I have so thoroughly answered have suggested even that I get a column in a women’s magazine answering the love questions of women everywhere. I’d be very happy to so if anyone knows anyone who may be looking for someone to write such a column, please do send them my way. Until then, however, I thought it a nice thing to make the answers to some of these many questions available to more of you. So every once in a while I’ll be reading your questions aloud and answering them in a video format, and every once in a while (when the questions are written), I’ll be putting a newsletter out to answer them. This is one such example. Here are some fantastic questions that some of you have asked me and that I’m now answering below. Please feel free to share these answers and this newsletter and my blog with any friends who you think could benefit. And please do continue to send in your questions to either  

juliakellercoaching@gmail.comround Julia

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Question about creating a good date:

Hi there, I date a lot but most of the time I don’t get a second date because the guys say (I’ve heard from friends) that they didn’t feel the chemistry, or they call me a “nice girl”.  I know it’s not my looks because they usually do say that I’m pretty. What am I doing wrong and how do I create that chemistry?

Chemistry is that secret, elusive thing that seems to be all-encompassing and a reason why the next date happens or doesn’t. Good chemistry is based on several things. One of these is good rapport and this is based both on interesting conversation and that desire to get closer to each other which drives you to want to see each other again. While some parts of this are just either there or not, much of chemistry is something that you actually have the power to influence. Here are some tips for creating good chemistry.

  1. Creating interesting conversation is as much your responsibility as his; keep the conversation flowing by listening well to what he’s saying, being enthusiastic and interested in him and his life, and demonstrating that you can keep up your end of the conversation. Smile, laugh at his jokes (if you think they’re funny), and ask follow-up questions to get to know him on a deeper level. Be comfortable enough in who you are to voice your opinion, but in a feminine and flirty way (this is a date, not a debate).
  2. Ask “imaginary questions” (eg: what would you do if…) to create a vibe that’s intriguing and that shows that you aren’t typical in the way you think. This will also help you to find out more about him and how he thinks.  Ask follow-up questions to understand what truly motivates him and find out if he’s really for you. Remember that you are choosing him as much as he’s choosing you. Show that you’re confident in who you are and what you’re worth and that you want to get to know him better. It’s very flattering to be on the receiving end of that.
  3. Use “disturbing eye contact”, a smile, and light appropriate touch to deepen the chemistry and to create that vibe that will have him thinking about you. Chemistry is partially based on a sexual desire, so you need to be comfortable with being desired and feel that you are desirable.

Question about when it’s right to be intimate with him:

When is the right time to be intimate with a man? Is there a too soon of too long to wait? I think I’m not doing this at the right time as I’d have a lot of guys who want to sleep with me and who I would then begin a fantastic sexual relationship with. But they always just saw me as the woman they slept with and not the one they could potentially marry or even have a committed relationship with, so I was often “the other woman” or the one a guy would hang out with until something better came along or when he wasn’t ready for anything serious. I don’t want to be that woman anymore; I want to be the one who he wants to have a relationship with. How do I do that?

I put the question of when the right time for sex was to quite a few men during the interview series and before. The majority of men said that they would wait for quite a while for a woman who’s worth it (quite a while being 1-3 months and some even said more if there’s a special reason or if she’s very special); so never feel pressure to rush into sex. A man who truly likes you for you and not just the desire to sleep with you will wait for when you’re ready and will never make you feel bad about waiting. You should only be intimate with him when you’re comfortable. 

Him thinking of you as relationship potential rather than just someone to sleep with is something that is completely within your control. Here are some tips to make that happen.

  1. It begins with you believing that you’re worthy of being loved and of being chosen by a man as someone to have a relationship with. You have to really believe it yourself first before you are ready to convince anyone else of that fact. 
  2. Once you really and truly believe that you’re worth waiting for, you begin to operate from a place of high standards, so that you no longer accept men giving you less than what you believe you deserve. This then comes into all the ways that you deal with men all the time, though you may need to re-educate them initially if they are not accustomed to seeing this from you.
  3. Finally, you relay your expectations onto the man you’re dating by making it clear (but in a very sweet, flirty, and feminine way) that you only accept men treating you in a certain way and that intimacy to you is something special that you save for only that special man in your life and that you are only intimate with men who you have a committed, monogamous relationship with. The best time to enter into the conversation that leads to you saying this to a man is when he either discusses or hints at wanting to have sex with you (through words or actions, ie: invites you over to his place “for dinner”). That’s your opportunity to thank him for his really kind offer while also just checking with him to make sure you’re on the same page. You can say something like: “That’s so sweet of you to invite me over with you cooking for me. I would definitely love to come to yours and to spend some more private time with you, but considering the chemistry between us, I think we both know what could potentially happen, so I just want to be really honest with you in case we both decide that we want to go there. Intimacy with someone for me is something really special and I’m very selective with who I choose to be intimate with. It’s something I only do with someone who I’m in a monogamous, committed relationship with. I know we haven’t known each other for that long, so totally get it if you’re not ready for that kind of commitment with me yet. We can continue to hang out and get to know each other better for now and revisit the topic of being intimate together and me coming over to yours when we’re on the same page about it”. Then stick to your decision (sweetly but adamantly) no matter what he says or does next, smiling flirtingly when he tries to convince you to relent or change your mind or be more flexible. Then watch what happens next. If he really likes you for you, he will respect your wishes and actually respect you more for what you’ve said (you have set your standards and it then shows you as higher value in his eyes). If he disappears, rest assured that it’s because all he ever wanted from you was sex and you are better off without him.

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