Is Sex Without Love Enough?

Is sex without love enough?

One of the questions I often get from women when they find out that I’m a Love Coach is around the issue of how long to wait to have sex with a man they’re seeing. Some of them, disappointed with the dating scene and feeling desire to be intimate, rush into sex in order to meet their “needs” only to feel not so great after.

Recently, a client of mine shared an experience with me. To get over a man that she was still hung up on, she decided to indulge freely in a one night stand rather than try and wait for the “right guy” to come along again. This came about naturally as she met a friend of a friend at a party. Initially, she didn’t pay much attention to him as he was not “her typical type”. He was fun and attractive, but he was more of a “party guy” and not someone in a place to have the serious relationship that she was looking for before, so she would never have considered having something serious with him. However, after hanging out with their common friends for a while, the two ended up having some sexy, playful dancing that then led to sex. Rather than holding herself back as she normally would, she decided to “go for it” which was out of character for her and she had an amazing night of sex. At that moment, she didn’t find it awkward or immoral; she just wanted to have pleasure. She also didn’t expect anything from this man (or so she told herself) so she wouldn’t be disappointed if he didn’t contact her the next day.

While I have heard enough stories of women who are confident having amazing sex, without commitment, very early on with a man, and it turning into something serious eventually; I have heard too many more of the other kind of stories: those of women being hurt by the man’s lack of contact following sex that came too quickly. Hence, I normally advise my clients to wait for sex until they are in a committed, monogamous relationship. Believe me, I know the pull of hormones and how desire can make one want to rush into physical contact. I also know how good sex can feel with the right person as well as how bad it can feel when that right person forgets you exist the morning after. I have had more than enough clients and friends crying to me at sessions following being hurt due to rushing too quickly into sex to recommend “no sex without commitment” as a regular policy.

I know that we live in modern times, and I get how the sexual revolution makes women want to exert our sexual independence. However, women and men feel sex differently and, unfortunately, the double-standard still exists without being clearly admitted to. Recently, I questioned a small number of men about their thoughts on women who go for sex quickly. Their responses were candid and telling. Some were almost too candid: “I would never take a woman who sleeps with me too quickly seriously, even if I was the one initiating the sex. She should say no.” I know, I cringed too when I heard it, but the other men in the group corroborated that as unfair and sexist as this may be, it also happens to be mainly true. There are certain exceptions made for some pretty amazing women and in some special circumstances, but we can’t count on being an exception. What we can count on is following a rule.

The reason I stick so firmly to “no sex without commitment” is because it is a policy that not only is better for your health (do you really want to let someone you barely know into your home or your body?) and for your self-esteem (how will you really feel when he doesn’t even try to contact you the next day), but it also serves as a wonderful filter. That man who won’t be ok with waiting for you to get to know him better before being intimate with you was probably never that serious about being with you anyway. Sex also feels much better when had with someone you have strong feelings for, and when you know that that someone is “doing the deed” only with you.

So, my advice: have patience, wait, date, get to know the men you’re interested in and choose one you want to know better. If you want help meeting someone special or becoming the “Chooser” in your love story, or in finding out how to turn his desire for sex into the ideal Segway into a very cool and non-threatening conversation about commitment, book a free 30 minute call with me on this link. Ask about my one to one coaching and my soon to be launching self-study program at a fraction of the cost of one to one coaching. Also ask about my Elite package that takes you through all you need to be totally and completely “Love ready”

Can independence be a double edged-sward?

Independent is good but inter-dependent is even better!

Last week saw America celebrating its’ Day of Independence and I wrote about the benefits of being independent in oneself from one’s situation or circumstance. (If you didn’t get to read that blog, you can find it here.) But what about when independence goes from being a good thing that helps you to be create the life you want to becoming a quality that by holding on too tightly to actually stops you from getting close to anyone.

We have been in one way or the other swooped by the tide of modernism called: achieving independence. I would even go as far as making it one of our definitive terms of our era: “the dawn of independence” or an “age of independence”. Having independence over one’s circumstance is great and empowering, as I wrote last week; but what does wanting complete independence of everything really mean in the context of our relationships with other people?

Lets face it, being completely independent is most often related to being single, empowered, financially not in need of anyone else, and in no need of having a partner. But though having this kind of freedom to do whatever one wants without having to consider the feelings of another may sound liberating and fun in a moment, many such moments together into a long part of one’s lifetime and this independence can begin to feel very lonely.

Hence independence can become a double-edged sword: liberating and empowering on one hand — bringing with it freedom of self and decision over ones circumstances — while also carrying loneliness and a lack of strings or relationships when taken too far. So what is the answer?

Well the answer, I believe, is something I call interdependence. Interdependence is akin to the saying “the whole is greater than the sum of its’ parts”. Interdependence is collaboration, it’s co-working, it’s sharing, and it’s partnership. Independence may make us strong as individuals, but interdependence makes us stronger as a whole. Interdependence is better for the unit. Picture the cohesive couple versus the one where each is thinking only of their own selfish needs (divorce court anyone). And interdependence is also better for society as a whole (peace process where each side gets their needs met versus perpetual threat of war as each is attempting to exert what it believes is right).

The truth is that total independence can never be achieved as nothing in this world exists in itself; everything to an extent is dependent on some other thing and needs something else to ensure its’ own survival. As we need plants, water, and sometimes animals (or another food source) to survive as nourishment, so in the world where we are still beings of relationships, we need other people to survive and love for happiness (parents, siblings, friends, lovers, colleagues etc).

I have seen countless cases of ‘independent’ women, who seemed to have it all, feeling completely unhappy due to loneliness. Independence taken too far leaves us clinging to something that will never truly fulfil us. Interdependence is the better version that takes into account our strengths and the strengths as a whole of those we can work together with to succeed beyond just ourselves.

Should you wish to understand how you too can move towards interdependence, finding that ideal partner to share your life with, or sharing your life better by improving your relationship with your current partner, you can schedule your free 30 minute phone call with Julia here.