What Men Really Want- Ask that question!

Hi there,

This is week 8 of our interview series. This week we admit that looks are important (all of our men interviews have made that apparent up to now) so it is not a point to ignore. However, good looks, as we’ve seen over the past weeks of interviews, go beyond just looking pretty. Most men have said that most women can make themselves look good with just a bit of effort. Looking good means keeping fit even as we age, though we all know that our bodies change with time. Looking good means thinking about what we wear (warning ladies, men are not that keen on Ugg boots despite the fact that they make your feet feel good) and being appropriate for whatever occasion. Looking good means elegance and femininity can be accomplished at any age (in fact, older women often have an advantage with this one). Looking good basically means looking after ourselves, and that is not something that stops with aging.

But let’s put that aside right now and dive into the actual nitty-gritty of what men really want from us women on a deeper level: from first date to long-term relationship. This week we manage to look further into what makes him choose you over other women, even if he has considerable choice.

  1. Most men, like us women, are looking for that ideal partner to share life with.This fact is an optimistic one and should put to rest the fear many women have that men are not after a long-term commitment but just want to fool around with as many women as possible. In fact, throughout this interview series, and beyond with the many men I’ve now spoken with, I’ve found the men who just want to have as many superficial flings as possible to be in the minority. Despite that, it is something that does exist with some men and hence women should make sure that when they fall for a man that he is the right one (check out the next point on how to figure this out). I have found, on the contrary, that men, like women, want to find that ideal partner who loves and respects them and who wants to be with them long-term. This is true even for men who have been married and divorced before and even for men who are not looking to have more children. Marriage is still a romantic ideal despite the many changes in society these days.
  1. The only way to know if he’s the right man is to ask the right questions.As I mentioned in the point above, there are many, many men who want to have an exclusive, long-term relationship with that someone special. There are also some men (unfortunately the same ones who give all men a bad name) that really are only in it for the short term fling element. The only way to know which man you have in front of you is to ask. And then listen and watch. Listen to what he says and listen for what he is saying between the lines without actually saying it. Ask follow up questions. Don’t be afraid to dig into the more tricky subjects if they are important to you.  It is not a bad idea to ask serious questions on date 2 or 3 for instance. After all, how will you know whether you are on the same page with issues such as commitment, marriage, etc if you don’t ask? What is important, however, is the tone in which you ask these questions. Keep it light and even slightly fun, while also exerting your standards in a charming, flirty, feminine way. Men find clarity attractive and find a woman with high standards as one to strive towards and work for. They respect a woman who respects herself. Clarity demonstrates confidence and also gives him the peace of mind to know that you are a woman who is discerning, which makes him feel all the more flattered by the fact of being your chosen one when you choose him. Confidence and commitment to your choices and peaceful, feminine strength are qualities that are very sexy in a woman
  1. Tenderness and nurturing care is a quality that many men would like to find in the woman they choose long-term.The pattern seems to be that strong women who are successful in their careers often lack the tenderness and nurturing qualities that are crucial in creating a lasting relationship. In fact lack of those qualities, or the man feeling insufficient nurturing and tenderness from the woman he’s with, is often the cause of breakups in many relationships. The desire for such qualities could also be the reason why many successful, powerful men choose women who are significantly less successful and powerful (think the cliché of the boss marrying his secretary). However, many of the men that I’ve interviewed actually sang the praises of successful, confident women, stating though that they also wanted her to be feminine, soft, and warm. Imagine then how amazing a woman you can be if you can walk the line of both: being feminine, tender and nurturing while also being confident, independent, and successful.

Want to learn how to walk this tender line? Join my upcoming workshop. If you have questions about what we will cover and what you could learn, schedule a call with me to find out more.

I’ve put the learning from the research with men into my upcoming workshop that will help you to Unleash the Irresistible Woman Within? Watch the video below and sign up to the workshops and learn how you too can remain genuine to who you are while also making yourself into the ideal version of you that has him wanting to know you better and better. Learn to set and exert standards successfully in a way that has him dying to be the one and only man in your life.

What Men Really Want – Fresh, Honest, Open

Hi there,

We are now on Week 6 of the “What Men Really Want” series so there are only a few more weeks of videos remaining for you to watch. I hope that you’ve found the series useful. I know that I have personally learned quite a lot for the wonderful, open men who have very kindly volunteered their time to answer my poring questions (of which there were quite a few that we’ve edited down significantly for you to benefit from). Some of the points seem to be repeated on quite a few of the interviews, telling me that they’re even more important to men than I even could have imagined. I now emphasize them even more in my upcoming workshops and my one to one work. I know that you like me are eager to learn as much as possible from what the men out there are telling us. We all want to be loved, appreciated, and understood. We also want to be accepted for who we are and not have to change ourselves to fit someone else’s mould. That’s been the toughest part for me to integrate into my work with clients, but also the most important. How do I help you to stay true to who you are while also helping you to brand yourself to be that ideal woman that your ideal man wants to spend the rest of his life with? All of this has been a work in progress and I have personally put every single thing I teach clients to do to practice myself. I’ve had my own amazing success story and I’ve seen so many clients with incredible success stories, all differing of course, but all incredible.

I know that you won’t want to miss any of the videos or blogs from the past, so we’ve made it easy for you to catch up on any that you’ve missed here.

This week’s theme seems to be about “freshness”. Men have mentioned over and over liking a woman who is fresh and also about keeping the relationship “fresh” even long-term. This theme has come up over and over again often phrased as a woman who’s playful, easy going, fun, elegant, graceful, charming and feminine – among others. So what is that freshness that men are looking for? The two interviews this week go into more detail on this, explaining what they think makes a woman fresh.

.   Fresh equals vitality. Vitality, by the way, is explicitly not exclusive to youth. Many men who were interviewed were asked the question of whether youth was an important factor for the woman they chose. Many of my clients are over 40 so this is of particular interest to me. Unfortunately, the culture we live in often puts quite a lot of emphasis on the beauty of youth. However, what the biggest reason stated by the men I interviewed for choosing women who were younger had to do with this aspect of vitality. One thing mentioned was fitness and the aspect of keeping a healthy body. Many of the interviewees who preferred younger women pointed to the fact that these women had more energy and were more active than the women they knew of their age. These men had woken up in their advanced years to the importance of fitness, exercise, and healthy eating and hence they were interested in women who expressed those same interests. I have seen many such women of all ages who demonstrated this vitality, as well as grace and femininity. This interviewee mentioned meeting such women in yoga classes, and I personally have met both yoga instructors and students in their 50s, 60s, and 70s who clearly were full of this vitality. Some of them demonstrated more grace and beauty than women I’ve met in their 20s who take less care in how they look after, and what they put into, their bodies.

2.   Fresh is an expression of character. Beautiful eyes and a nice smile have come up again and again for a reason. “The eyes are a mirror to the soul,” as the expression goes. We show a lot more than we know through our eyes. For example, I know some women who are models or former models and are clearly very attractive who take great care to make sure that their clothes and makeup look immaculate when they go out, and that’s after spending hours at the gym each day. However, they neglect spending time on their minds and their lack of interest in the world is clearly seen through their eyes that lack energy and that give away disinterest when anything outside of their world of superficiality is mentioned. I know other women who are perhaps less beautiful or superficially perfect who manage to captivate with their energy, genuine interest, and constant spark. These women are the ones who keep a man’s interest beyond just sexual attraction. Men constantly mention the need for an elusive thing known as chemistry, which they say is “difficult to explain”. But chemistry is something they claim that goes beyond just physical attraction. It includes her captivating smile; eye contact that seems to speak directly to the man inside him; a warm and tactile nature; and an expression of character which is curious, internally energetic and friendly. Freshness is another word to describe this kind of nature. Freshness is the expression of one’s openness. It is a constant renewal of interest, a persistence in learning new things and an openness to new ideas. When I did my NLP course recently, for example, there were so many students and trainers of vastly different ages. All of us left that course feeling renewed, refreshed, and excited for all of the new information that we’d learned. Freshness is a quality of a person who is present, not stuck in the past dwelling on once experienced hardships and pains. Looks is only one aspect; but freshness and attraction and chemistry goes well beyond just looks.

3.   Fresh is a term that can apply to that amazing relationship. We all dream of having that ideal relationship: the one that seems always loving, romantic and is constantly self-renewing and flowing together. Another point that has come up over and over again in the interviews is the aspect of creating a life together, doing things together with full honesty, integration, and genuine mutual interest. This seems like the ideal for those of us who are genuinely interested in many things, and something potentially easy to fake for those with limited interests outside their own superficial worlds. While I personally believe that any reason to learn new things and begin new hobbies and potentially open up our worlds to new ways of seeing things is something positive, it should be something that we do because we genuinely are interested in doing it and not just for the sake of pleasing the other person enough to get that next date. Trying any activity should therefore firstly be done with an open mind and a genuine interest. So it is not the fact that I change my interests to adapt to yours, but rather that we both have an open mind to giving some activities a try together. This will then essentially be linked with self-discovery as well as with discovery of the world and new ideas in general. I discovered my keen love of cycling, for instance, because of a former boyfriend who was a cycling fanatic. I still remember fondly some of the incredible holidays and weekends away we would go on together cycling through many different territories and discovering new paths. I still to this day am an avid cyclist thanks to having my eyes opened to the sport by this significant person in my life years ago. That’s very different than pretending to like doing something just to get to the next date and then returning to the person we are once that person isn’t watching. That isn’t being genuine or true to ourselves and that lie of self will eventually come out as it always does. I can recount one story that a male friend of mine tells with particular distaste about a woman he was very attracted to who pretended to be as into healthy eating and exercise as he was. He thought they were ideal for each other, until one day when he took her for what he thought was a romantic cycle and she spent most of it whining about how long and arduous it was. Shortly after when they stopped for a rest to buy some “healthy snacks” he was further dismayed when she insisted on getting two very unhealthy candy bars and some crisps. Ordinarily, eating unhealthily every once in a while wouldn’t be a big deal for most people. However, she had insisted the entire time of their dating that she was as much of a health fanatic as he was and so that “romantic” weekend together that was supposed to bring them closer together actually served to make her seem like a liar in his eyes. The point of course is that in order for a relationship to remain fresh both of the people in it have to first be genuine and honest with themselves and with each other. Then there is the potential for each to introduce their favourite interests and for both to grow further together by seeing things through the other’s point of view and by learning from each other.

Hence, my mission to help people find love always begins with sessions of self-understanding and uncovering what is genuine and true for you and the core essence of who you are. I first ask my clients what it is that they like to do and then to imagine what their ideal partner would be like.

Does this resonate with you? I’ve put the learning from the research with men into a workshop that will help you to Unleash the Irresistible Woman Within? Watch the video below and sign up to one of my upcoming workshops and learn how you too can remain genuine to who you are while also making yourself into the ideal version of you that has him wanting to know you better and better.

What Men Really Want Week 6

Hey you,

So this week we come back again to what men really want. This time we are confronted with the “grass is always greener” topic that many of my clients worry about and that has been further enabled by today’s Tinder generation. “How do I know that I’ll be good enough for him,” they ask. “How do I know that he isn’t online or on an app still chatting with and meeting other women while we’re together? This is a question that many of my clients ask about frustrated by the lack of commitment that they seem to find with men  they meet these days.

Yes I admit that it is certainly more difficult to find commitment these days. However, as the men interviewed have shown us, and as I teach my clients, getting commitment begins with exerting your standards. In fact, how exactly to do this for maximum success in love is something that I’ve been teaching my clients since I began love coaching. If you want to know more about how to succeed in love even during the Tinder generation, join my upcoming online workshop.

Here is what the two men this week have said they are looking for in a woman.


1) A woman who is slightly mysterious, while also friendly and feminine, is one that draws men’s interest to her. These days I see many women who come across as too “easy”, either in how they dress or in how they carry themselves. However, most quality men are not attracted to ‘over the top’ or lad like women (known as ladettes here) — except maybe for a “quick fix”. A somewhat mysterious woman commands their intrigue immediately. “I am wondering, ‘what is she thinking'” one of our men this week says. That slight challenge is much more interesting for men. Commanding that s kind of intrigue is something I teach in my upcoming workshop as well.

2) Men prefer women who look like they look after themselves. The fact that men are visual creatures has been repeatedly mentioned every week. This week we get additional clarity into this idea. Men are looking for a woman who looks like she loves herself enough and this includes taking the time to take care of herself. This is a natural reaction and makes perfect sense: when we love our children it becomes second nature to take care of them; the same is true with our other half. Taking care of something or someone is innately embedded in the idea of love. Hence, equally men and women who love themselves will take care of themselves. A woman who loves herself enough to look after herself therefore comes across as more emotionally stable than one who doesn’t. Men then see her as less needy and more secure and hence more pleasant and more fun to be with. Yes it’s a jump, but it’s one that men make so best is to put your best foot forward and to give yourself the biggest possibility and advantage. This in no way means to sacrifice your identity over a set standards of looks – remember that different men find different looks beautiful. However the one standard is for a woman to look as if she looks after herself.

3) To get that amazing man to approach you, you need to make yourself more approachable. The reason why so many women are disappointed with the men they meet in many social situations is because they are waiting to be approached by any man instead of creating an atmosphere that encourages the man they actually want to approach them. Some men just play with the law of numbers, approaching as many women as they can so that when he has approached you, he has also approached another 10 women in the room (if not more). “It’s an age when it is much harder for a man to swoop in, grab a woman, put her over his shoulder and leave,” one man says. Women are always surrounded by other women. So a tip: if you want a certain man to approach you who you think may be interested, just isolate yourself  for a bit; maybe go to get a drink on your own or walk slowly to the ladies’ room and give him “the look” as you pass by him. Need more flirting tips of how to get him to approach. Join my upcoming workshop on uncovering the irresistible woman within and become the woman that he wants to cross the room to speak to.

Love,

Julia xx

HALFWAY THROUGH RECAP

Hi there,

We are now just past the halfway point of the “What Men Really Want” series so that only a few more weeks of videos remain for you to watch. I hope that you have been enjoying the series up to now. You can catch up on any blogs that you’ve missed here, just click here.

As we’re now just past the halfway point, I thought I’d give you a quick recap of what many of the men have said up to now, as well as leave you with a video of what I’m bringing you based on this research.

1.    Men are even more visual than you think. After all of the many interviews where men have talked very freely about what attracts them, and about the importance of the physical vision of the woman, it’s pretty clear that this is something that just isn’t going to change. As unfair or superficial as this may sound, it’s actually rather helpful as well. In fact, knowing that men are visual first means that you must attract him with this in mind. You must first appeal to his visual sensors before appealing to his other senses, including his mind. Yes it does mean that you may have to put more focus on looking your best than you’ve been accustomed to doing. But making sure to look good will also make you feel good. In fact, the majority of my clients have reported a significant boost to their self-esteem just by putting to practice the first half of the first module on femininity (which is about making the most of what they find most attractive about themselves), Attract him by keeping this in mind. That doesn’t mean that he won’t love you when he sees you not looking your best once you know each other for a while, but when you meet him initially, he must see you looking great as he sees many women and you want to be noticed. You may think that this is cheating or unfair or too much pressure, but just look back at your life. Have you ever had a successful relationship with a man who doesn’t find you attractive? The best way to catch a mouse is with cheese. You wouldn’t leave chocolate for the mouse just because you like, now would you? When trying to catch yourself a great match, bait him with what he looks for first: your looks.

2.    Men love women who value themselves. Hence, self-confidence is very important. He wants to believe that you believe that you are worthy of having a great catch and that you chose him as that great catch. That’s very different from you being with him because he’s the only man who’s ever paid attention to you. Just as much as you want to feel like he chose you above all other women (and that he keeps choosing you), he wants to feel that you chose him. In fact, feeling chosen by you isn’t just a boost to his self-confidence, it also makes him feel that he can trust you more when you’re around other men. If you actively chose him thereby refusing other men before, then he has the security to feel that you’ll choose him over other men again and that makes him feel secure when you go out with your girlfriends, work mates, etc. Many men mention this trusting of a woman as very high on their list. They also like a woman who has her own life and doesn’t need him to create her life but rather wants him to enhance it because of the great time they have together.

3.    Give him the ok to go after you and to pursue you, but don’t make it too easy. Men are just like you in a way: they also worry that you won’t like them and that you may reject them if they come up to you. Hence, they are looking for the ok from you telling them that they can come up to you. That’s what the module teaching you highly effective flirting techniques is all about. It helps you to attract him towards you. Once he approaches you, however, you need to be able to keep his interest with a balance of showing that you like him, but also leaving him the space to pursue you while even making it a bit of a challenge (but still demonstrating interest). This is certainly quite a complicated balance to keep, so much so that I dedicate several parts of several modules of my workshop to exactly how to do this effectively, both when he initially speaks to you and when you’re dating him at different points of the relationship.

Want to find out more of how I’ve put the learning from the research with men into a workshop that will help you to Unleash the Irresistible Woman Within? Watch the video below and sign up to one of my upcoming workshops in the series. Remember that you can benefit from 25% off by using the code BetterLoveLife, but only for one week.

Watch the video here

What Men Really Want Week 5

Hi there,

I hope that you have been enjoying the “What Men Really Want” series up to now. You can catch up on all the interviews here

This week we have a much more physiological discussion about what core character men really find attractive.

  1. Everything is about self-belief first

Men are first and foremost attracted to women who possess a true self-confidence and self-belief. This means a true acceptance of who you are and what you stand for first, even before finding that ideal man. Everything in life is about self-belief, from your success with men to your success in business, to your success in life in general. You must first believe in, and truly accept, yourself. Then you work to make yourself the best woman that you can be, but one that is also true to who you already are. A woman who is truly confident, is one who doesn’t “need” a man. She is with him because she wants to be. Hence she is not clingy and so he feels better around her and like he needs to keep winning her; not like she will be with him no matter how he treats her (even if that’s pretty badly). That is very important for maintaining a constantly growing relationship as opposed to a static one that eventually one or the other of the couple will get bored with. Everything is in motion, so the relationship maintains its excitement and the love only grows. There is a sort of formula which goes something like:

Confidence + Elegance + Femininty + Eye contact = Attraction

  1. Excess in women in generally seen as unattractive

Excess in women (or in anyone in general) is considered unattractive. It is seen as a lack of self-control and that keeps coming up over and over as a distinct negative. Men want to imagine the woman that they choose to spend their life with as one who can control herself in the many aspects of life. Hence overconsumption of food, alcohol, drugs, or even sex or material accumulation (shopaholic) is seen as an unhealthy excess in character and a lack of healthy control. Being slightly reserved (while still maintaining charm) is therefore seen as feminine. Women who jump too much at men come across as desperate and needy and hence also kill the chase. This doesn’t mean, of course, that you should appear aloof or uninterested. Quite the opposite as your disinterest will also make him look elsewhere. Rather, you should be able to hold back and to signal your interest in more feminine ways. Sounds challenging? This is exactly what I teach women in both my workshops and my one to one practice. Want to learn what this means and how to do this yourself to meet the best match for you? Join one of my upcoming workshops on Unleashing the Irresistible Woman Within.

  1. Masculine men are attracted by feminine women

We all have heard the stereotypes about the Eastern European women, both the positive and the negative. Being from Eastern Europe originally myself, but having spent most of my life now in both the US and UK, I get many comments from men on either side of the Eastern European woman debate. One of the positive comments that I hear often about Eastern European women and that attracts many Western men to them is their understanding of the roles of the masculine and the feminine energies and how they can work together. Eastern European women are known for using their feminine energy as a strength to achieve their means. Many men these days feel emasculated by the modern-day sex roles confusion and hence they enjoy meeting a woman who is comfortable embracing her femininity. They also value the quiet composure that many of these women possess, including a natural poise, elegance, and almost a kind of mystery. Their sexuality comes across in a more subtle way, without being overt or tacky.

Want to find out more and learn how to appeal to what men really want? Join one of my upcoming workshops.

My next intake of one to one clients will only be in September, but I am now officially launching my workshop series “Unleash the Irresistible Woman Within”. My London and NYC workshops coming up are 5 hours of learning and practice and a night out with me packed into one incredible evening. My online workshop takes much of the same learning and breaks it down into 5 live calls with me where I teach you some incredible techniques of how to meet and get amazing men for just about an hour during 5 weekly calls and then take your questions for another hour in those calls. So that you finish each session having learned what you need to know to bring you closer to that ideal love life that you’ve always wanted! Look out for what exactly will be in those training listed in my Thursday mailer.

What Men Really Want Week 4 Findings

Hey you,

This week we have two highly different and very interesting interviews with two men who couldn’t be more different in style. While the man doing the video intervijavascript:void(0);ew was quite keen to give his feedback, the one who agreed to give the audio interview felt that this type of questioning was disempowering to women and wondered why women should even consider what men want from them rather than just being as they themselves want to be. However, despite his hesitation, his answers and opinions are very helpful to women.

Here are the 3 key points for the week:

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1. A truly attractive woman isn’t only attractive to men, she is attractive to most people in general. This type of woman is empowered, dynamic, and comfortable in her own skin. She is interesting and interested. She possesses a genuine charm and a positive outlook and she looks after herself. Does this sound difficult to achieve or impossible to become? Well I promise you that it isn’t. I work with women, just like you, every day who begin their journey feeling insecure and unsure of themselves only to grow significantly in their self-belief and their self-assurance thanks to the coaching process. This is the basis of what my upcoming workshop on uncovering the irresistible woman within is all about.

2. Women who are passionate and interested in the world are especially attractive. There is something about a woman who possesses a natural passion and curiosity and interest in the world around her that men keep referring to.This kind of woman has a vision for her life and drive and passion for something, whatever it may be (often not related to business or financial goals). She is the kind of woman that men find interesting to be with because she is attentive and genuinely interested both in them and in the world and people around her. She is good-natured and ready to explore things and learn something new. This is the kind of woman who is just interesting to be with, whether as a life partner or a friend. She is the kind of woman that people in general want to have around them.

3. Many men may need your help to help them approach you. While some men mentioned that they were confident enough to approach any woman that they found attractive, most men actually suggested that they are looking for your “green light” to approach and also to then continue the conversation once approached and to also ask you out for a further date. What’s the best way to give this “green light”? Well that’s what appropriate flirting is all about and what I teach in one module of my upcoming workshop. Basically it involves eye contact, smiling, and conversation that leaves him yearning to see you again. It’s a technique that I’ve perfected with clients and that has led them to command dramatic results. Want to know more? Sign up for my upcoming workshop to learn that and so many other tips that will unleash the irresistible woman within you!

What Men Really Want – Week 3 Findings

Hey you,

I hope you’ve enjoyed the interviews so far. This week we have some more interesting discoveries and some returning to a highly mentioned topic, and that is in the area of attractiveness. This is clearly a hot topic for men as it keeps coming up again and again. So how important is attractiveness for men really?

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Well, let’s have a look below at the 3 key points for this week.

1. What men are really looking for as far as looks go is that you look like you look after yourself. Men keep bringing up the same point, and that is that they want to see that you take care of yourself. This is true in how you put yourself together and whether you look well kept. It is also something they associate with women who look “fit”. In truth, men have a biological reason to be more interested in women who look more healthy and well put together. They correlate this with a woman who is both more likely to bear them healthy children (if she is younger) and to survive well into her years (if she is older). A woman who puts herself together better is also seen to be more stable emotionally and more positive.

2. However, despite the large focus on looks that men openly disclose, when it comes to long-term possibility, personality and rapport are key. So what are they looking for exactly? Men state over and over that they’re after a vibe that “just goes”. This includes easily flowing conversations, good banter (this is big in the UK and Ireland), fun on the phone and on dates, and, of course: that ever elusive and inexplicable “chemistry” (which is what it’s really about). Now although attraction has a significant part to play in chemistry, there are other tricks that we women can use to build chemistry (including that ideal balance of slightly flirty eye contact and subtle appropriate touch). Want to learn how to create this in your dates and get him dying to get to know you better with each time you meet? Sign up to my upcoming workshop on Unleashing Your Irresistibility.

3. What about once you’ve began to become more serious with each other? What is it that keeps the relationship growing and improving? Most men mention that having commonalities is key. This includes having common aspects of life style as well as a comment understanding of what a relationship should be like and where you are in it. For example, you may want to spend most of your free time with him, while he may want to have more free time for friends and his favorite activities. Find out early to avoid getting hung up and wasting time with someone who is unlikely to end up being a long-term partner (unless what you’re after is a persistent string of short-term relationships). Many men find independence very attractive in a woman, but as long as it’s coupled with femininity and a desire for inter-dependence (something I teach in my next workshop). A good relationship is born out of mutual respect and cherishing as opposed to a need for dependence. Want to know whether what he’s after is a long-term relationship or just a fling? Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want (just in the right way).

Want to learn how to make the best out of who you are already and to succeed in being desired by those great men out there? Sign up for my upcoming “Unleash your Irresistibility” workshop before the price goes up.

What Men Really Want? Week 2 Findings

  1. Being physically attracted to the woman they are with is essential to many men for falling in love with her

Men are visual creatures first. I teach that to women often in both my one to one coaching and my workshops. The first thing they notice is how you look, and it is still a big decision factor of whether they approach you or not, and whether they consider you a potential long-term partner or not. There is quite a lot written about what makes men attracted to women, including some very interesting research into a formula around waist-hip ratio (apparently the ideal is around 70%). But there are the other things that men won’t say but that they look for, like whether you look fit and healthy and whether you look feminine and well put together. When interviewed, the majority of men admitted to preferring women of average figure for potential long-term relationships. In other words, men preferred women with a figure who looked fit both over women who were too skinny or too fat. The reasons given were similar and, interestingly enough, had to do with men’s perceptions of both extremes signifying lack of health and self-care. While women who were heavily overweight seemed to alert men to lack of self-care or self-control; women who were too skinny seemed to signal either too much control (starvation) or lack of health (sickly; not eating healthily). The ideal woman for men, it appears, is one who has some curves and a figure. Men also prefer women who look after themselves and look well put-together and well-groomed. Feminine dress is always a plus!

  1. Hailing the independent, self-confident woman!

The feminist movement has come pretty far and though there have been some negative repercussions that most of us are aware of, this particular point is a big plus coming out of it. Though not all men of all generations have come around to the idea of the independent woman, most of the men I interviewed thought of this kind of woman as one to be proud of. Many men mentioned being more interested in a woman who is self-confident, outgoing, and active in her own life. So they’re not looking for a doormat who will be just about them, ladies. This is great news of course as the modern woman is now able to succeed in her life all on her own. It also means that men are not necessarily intimidated by successful women, as many clients who are successful women come to me claiming is the reason why they’re single. In fact, most men interviewed sang the praises of women who are independent and self-confident. So then where is the disconnect that leaves many independent and successful women alone and lonely? Well, that is precisely part of what I sought to uncover in the interviews. Part of the clue lay in what men didn’t say as much as in what they did say. The issue is that the independent woman often comes across as too independent, or that her energy comes across as too masculine for the masculine men that she is trying to pursue. Hence, I teach women to decide on which role in a relationship balance they’d like to play (is it the more feminine, softer energy or the more masculine pursuing energy). I also work with women to make sure that, once they’ve chosen their role, that they choose the right men to balance the relationship equation with. Much of my work also goes into helping women to uncover that sometimes elusive femininity that many wish to grasp but don’t know how.

  1. Show him you’re interested

As much as the feminist movement has helped women to become more independent (and has helped men realise how great an independent woman is), it has also hurt men’s confidence in approaching women. Gone are the days when an attractive, single woman is instantly approached by an equally attractive single man just because she’s single and is somewhere where single people would often be (say a bar or club). These days the whole game of approaching a woman is much more complicated for a man. There are many men I know who, despite being very attractive and eligible bachelors, will almost never approach a woman, even if very attracted to her. The problem is twofold: on the one hand, men worry more now about being shot down; on the other hand, many women (in particular ones who are independent and successful) have lost the ability to get a man to approach through the subtle act of flirting and seductive eye contact. You cannot imagine the power that having this ability has if used properly, and especially if combined with looking your best (for the situation at hand) and with feeling (and thinking) self-confident. Both of these are areas that I spend quite a lot of time teaching clients how to do in a way that brings about huge successes, both in my one to one work and in my workshops.

Want to find out more and learn how to appeal to what men really want? Join one of my upcoming workshops.

My next intake of one to one clients will be in June, but you can join my two new pilot workshops “Unleash the Irresistible Woman Within” at a significantly reduced rate by signing up on one of the links below. My London and NYC workshops coming up are 5 hours of learning and practice and a night out with me packed into one incredible evening. My online workshop takes much of the same learning and breaks it down into 5 live calls with me where I teach you for just under an hour and then take your questions for almost an hour. So that you finish each session having learned what you need to know to bring you closer to that ideal love life that you’ve always wanted!

What Men Really Want? Week 1 findings

Hello Readers, as you know I have started this amazing and eye-opening research titled ‘What Men Really Want? Honest Conversations with Quality Men‘. These are the three key findings from the last weeks interviews and I have decided to share them publicly, with you! Just so you know, the interviews themselves are unmissable, first hand  experiences and truth said from the men themselves. They are funny, raw and even hard to hear! Join my mailing list now at www.juliakeller.co.uk and get all past interviews as well as two interviews from quality men per week, till the end of May!

Now enjoy the findings,

1.       The importance of Eye Contact 
The use of good, flirty eye contact is not to be underestimated. This is the main thing that will signal that you’re interested in him and will give him the ok to approach and get him to cross the room just to say hello to you. (I teach a technique in my flirting module, both for my one to one clients and in my workshops.) But the use of eye contact doesn’t stop there. This is the most powerful way to establish desire on a date and during any communication with a man that you are attracted to. (This is again something that I teach thoroughly.) Almost all of the men that I interviewed mentioned eyes and eye contact among what they look at and what they are attracted to. One of my former clients even wrote a blog about my emphasis on smoky eyes before embarking on a date or night out. To read it, click here: http://juliakeller.co.uk/category/clientblogs/ and go to “Look in my eyes” by Natalie Davison.

2.       Show your interest
Nobody likes to be rejected, men especially. Hence, before most men will risk asking you out, they want to establish that you will actually say yes. This is where showing interest is so important. However, there is subtlety to showing this interest so that you don’t come across as desperate or needy. A warm smile and interested eyes go a long way, as well as finding activities and interests that you share that can help him find a reason to invite you to do something together. Subtle touch is also a good way to help him know that you’re actually interested in dating him and not just in hanging out with him as a friend (no one likes to be friend-zoned). This is again something that I teach in my one to one work with clients and my workshops. A man is more likely to venture to try and take your relationship to the next level if he believes that you also want to go with him there. This is especially true if your relationship up to now has been one of mainly friendship or if you know each other through the workforce (which is, after all, where so many people spend a vast majority of their time these days).

3.       Know where you stand
As much as he doesn’t want to be friend-zoned, you don’t want to be chasing a man who has already decided that he prefers you as a friend than as a potential lover, or that he sees you just as a short-term fling rather than as a longer-term potential partner. Hence, reading his subtle cues to figure out just how important you are to him really is key to making sure that you use your valuable time for the men who more deserve it. These cues include how often he reaches out to contact you and how he acts in your presence and even the words that he actually uses and how he treats you. If you’re feeling either neglected or ignored or mistreated, or if you get that nagging feeling that he seems to always have a million other priorities that creep up above you, that’s probably a good sign that you’re just not that important to him. You can do better. There are way too many other available men in this world for you to waste time on one who will never truly be available to you. Look elsewhere. Stuck on knowing whether you’ll ever be the one for him? Let me help you to interpret his cues and teach you how to meet that special someone who actually will care about you and treat you in that way that you truly deserve.

Research and Realisation

As I mentioned on my video in last week’s mailer, I’ve been doing some very interesting research to try and understand What Men Really Want. Interview after interview and the learning from this research has began to take on a life of its own with dramatic and incredible results.

Armed with enough of a sample size to understand what works and what doesn’t — not just from what I believe, but also from what men have told me — I’ve helped women to improve their energy, their look, and their self-esteem and to flirt and come across as more desirable for men. I’ve also helped them to improve their online and swipe app profiles: both in how they appear and in what they say that gets noticed. This stuff really works!

At the same time, a good friend of mine handed me a book that further has added to what I teach clients. “This sounded like so much of what you say,” she told me, “so I knew you had to read it”. Seeing much of my own research and beliefs that I pass on to clients backed up by a well-known and highly-respected Therapist living and working in America for decades who gives talks and runs groups on the topic further gave me credence. She had come to the same conclusion that I came to and was delivering it as I was, with the same mission.

But there was an additional finding in her research which gave me a huge realisation. I had always believed that men and women have different roles in a relationship and that one should not try to be the other. But I had been puzzled by relationships that were very successful where the woman played the stronger role. Surely, I reasoned, there is something here that works and that I’m missing. The writings of Dr Patricia Allen gave me the realisation that I needed.

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As I’d always believed, the roles in a successful relationship should indeed be different for the masculine and the feminine partners in the relationship. However, a woman can play either one of those roles as long as — and this is the key — her partner plays the opposite role. Hence, a relationship can work with a woman taking either of the feminine or the more masculine role, so long as her partner takes the opposite role.

Since reading this, I’ve re-listened to the interviews and even edited my questioning slightly for the future ones. I’ve also changed how I help women to meet men, finding out first which role they prefer to play and keeping this in mind when I help them to meet the men that they are most interested in. Again, with dramatic results as now my clients are free to explore the role that feels more comfortable to them and not the one that has been prescribed to them by the society that they live in. Again, more work to help women to stay true to who they are while becoming the best and most irresistible woman that they can be.

To find out more about this work and the results of the interviews with men, schedule a free one hour discovery session with me and stay tuned for the next couple of months when I will bring you some of the key findings in each of the interviews that I make available.

I have now almost filled up my one to one coaching cycle beginning end of April and am only taking 2 more clients until the next cycle in June. If you feel that you have a compelling enough need to be one of these two clients, please respond to this email with “ideal love life” and a bit about your story and why you would like my help to create that ideal love life that you’ve always wanted. If you qualify, we will contact you to arrange a free discovery session.

For those who want to work with me and find out what it take to become a truly irresistible woman, you can sign up now to one of my upcoming workshops which I’ll be launching next month.

What is Steak&BJ Day Really About?

So, here I was the yesterday just minding my business and finishing some work when a male friend of mine texts me asking me if I know what today is. It’s March 14th I texted back quickly, meanwhile thinking that he could just have seen that on his own phone without having to ask me. “Yes, I know,” he texts back. “Google it.” I was busy so I ignored the text, despite the fact that it had several exclamation points and a wink face on it. It’s just a date, I thought. But he was insistent and texted me again asking if I’d googled it. Two more texts followed so I finally caved and….. whoa!
No wonder he’d been insistent. After all, he knew that I was a Love Coach and that part of my work at least was with women in relationships. He’d also read my blog about Valentine’s Day and had made a joke that men should have a male version of Valentine’s Day to actually cater to their more basic needs. Hint, no chocolate or flowers needed here! Apparently there were enough men out there with the same idea as my friend to bring about an actual day that – yep, you guessed it – catered completely to the male more basic needs. In 2002, according to what I could find on google (and there was quite a bit by the way) “Tom Birdsey, a radio show host on FNX radio, started Steak and BJ Day on March 14th. Like a man’s version of Valentine’s Day, women are called to celebrate the men they love with two simplistic yet highly appreciated acts: providing a steak and performing ….” You can read more about this very interesting male response to Valentine’s Day on http://www.unfinishedman.com/march-14th-steak-and-bj-day/ among other copious articles.

So what is Steak and BJ Day really about and how is it a good thing for us women? Well, clearly it’s men asking to be celebrated in the same way that they agree (often grudgingly) to celebrate the women they love on Valentine’s Day, but in their own special way. Personally, as a Love Coach, I am happy with any day that celebrates love in any way. But I especially appreciate the meaning behind this particular date. Coming exactly a month after Valentine’s Day (no accident there), March 14th is a way for men to remind us women that they’re still men after all, and that they still want to be treated like men, despite the current confused ambi-sexualized and de-sexualized times when women are becoming more masculine and men getting in touch with their more female sides.

Anyone who’s dating these days, no matter what age, will admit that the whole dating game has changed, and not necessarily for the better. We’re all confused. How do you actually meet anyone these days? Well, if you’re young and technical enough, it seems that you must be using some kind of app. So when you’re out with friends, rather than looking around to see who’s there, you should, these days, be looking at your phone. There are apps to tell you exactly who crosses your path at any one time, so that you’re better off scrolling through their photos than seeing them directly at the table across from you. Now if you’re feeling lost and confused in this moment then know that you are not alone. Dating has changed and with it both women and men have changed. Or, rather, the women changed first, then the men to keep up with our changes, and then the entire dating game has shifted. And now we’re all just confused, unsure of what’s acceptable and what’s appropriate in this new high-tech feministic dating generation.

But there is something basic and freeing about the fact that men are still willing to take the plunge and be men, despite the potential outcry from women – or perhaps in spite of it. And why not? Personally, I think yes if any man celebrates my needs as a woman on a random day (or several random days) that I absolutely insist on, I am more than happy to celebrate him back. He deserves it! If we as women insist on having our cake and eating it too and want our men to be men when we want it – but not too much so that it steps on our independence or our personal feminine power – then we need to make sure that we give our men what they need as well, whatever shape that should and could take. So bring it on! I’m all for any day that gives me an excuse to help women to fulfil the needs of their men. We should be fulfilling each other’s needs anyway.

But if men are crying out for more attention, then by all means we should listen and thank them for this very useful feedback. Listening to your partner’s needs (even when he doesn’t spell them out quite so clearly) is already something that I work on with my female clients who are in relationships or beginning them. Now I have even more reason behind my push. Steak anyone?

Julia xx

Committing, Focusing, Celebrating

Committing, Focusing, Celebrating

This month marks the one year anniversary of me committing to being a
Love Coach full time and completely. It’s one year since I stopped
doing any other work that doesn’t go along with my mission of
empowering women and that I began to devote all my time and energy
towards helping women (and occasionally men, and sometimes even
couples) to significantly improve  their love life. So with this
graduation to my first year anniversary as an official
Transformational Love Coach for women, what have I learned that can
benefit those of you reading this newsletter?

Well first of all, I’ve come to realise the power of committing to
something, and I mean committing really. It was when I really
committed to being a Love Coach, and even began calling myself that
when meeting new people, that my business really began to take off.
There was something about saying it and owning it that bridged that
gap between what I wanted to be and what I truly was allowing myself
to feel that I was. There is something that happens after committing
to doing something so fully and completely for a year. It happens with
whatever you do, whether committing yourself to a relationship or to a
full-time job. Whatever it is that you put yourself into fully for
that length of time, it gives you a pretty clear feeling of whether it
is meant for you (and you are meant for it) or not.

That is something that I help empower women I work with to do as well.
When they find themselves at a crossroads and unsure of whether their
relationship has the potential to give them what they want long term,
or whether one course of action is better than another, one of the
things we do is run through both scenarios and then have them choose
one and completely commit to it, putting all their eggs into that
basket so to speak. There is something amazing that happens with this
kind of full commitment that strengthens and reinforces the chosen
path and the dynamic totally shifts into the chosen direction, as does
the mindset and feeling around it, thereby making the chosen path that
much more successful and fruitful.

The next realisation has come with the focusing of my business on a
small chosen niche and a smaller target group. Rather than that focus
costing me potential clients, as I’d originally feared, it actually
caused me to be more able to deliver a better service to those
clients, as I was then able to focus on them completely and to really
put myself into their mindset. It also helped those chosen clients to
more easily find me, and me to more easily find them, as it became
that much more clear what I actually did and what I actually stood
for.

This focusing is something that we can all benefit from in our lives
and especially in ourselves. Becoming more clear on who we actually
are, and what we actually stand for, may cost us some potential
partners in the short run, as they may not want what we are. But it
will make it so much easier for that right partner for us to find us
among the masses, as we will really be showing the true essence of
ourselves; and it will lead to us being so much more attractive and
exciting in the long run (not to mention to us living a truly
fulfilled life knowing that we are completely authentic to ourselves).
This uncovering of who we are, and digging into the true essence of
what drives us — and that showing of one’s personality, and even
one’s vulnerability — is something so amazingly attractive and unique
that women who stick out from the crowds generally do just that and it
is something that I empower my clients to uncover and to get back in
touch with, sometimes returning back to the things in their life that
they were really passionate about but that they’d given up because of
fear, or lack of encouragement, or whatever.

And the last lesson is that of celebrating. This includes celebrating
our life up to now, celebrating ourselves, and celebrating our
achievements, among other celebrations. Sometimes we become so
consumed in the journey towards some hazy destination that seems
really out of reach, that we forget to celebrate the achievements
along the way and the everyday moments that make us feel and that
renew our fervour and our drive, and that remind us of why we are
where we are along this road to begin with. Life is something to be
celebrated. Even in the down moments, there is celebration in the
dreams that have been given to us and the excitement of our reaching
towards them. Think about the last time that you celebrated a year at
a job, for instance; or the last time that you celebrated your first
year anniversary in a relationship; or even a first year birthday of a
child. There is something special in that first year, as there is in
every timepoint that you made it past. You’ve made it that long;
you’ve survived. And oh how you’ve grown and learned in the process of
the journey!

In my work with clients, I help them to firstly celebrate who they are
and what they’ve achieved up to now. They become empowered to become
their own pat on the back congratulations and their own choir of
applause. After all, if you don’t celebrate how amazing you are, then
how can you expect anyone else to ever celebrate you. If you don’t
celebrate your accomplishments and how far you’ve come and the wise
decisions you’ve made, then you are leaving them to escape unnoticed.
In my work with clients, I often find that it is that lack of
celebration of the times with someone that leaves couples feeling
empty and unnoticed by each other. But even in my main work, with
singles, it is the forgetting to celebrate yourself that makes women
often feel unfulfilled in themselves. There is an amazing shift that
happens in self-confidence with clients who learn to celebrate who
they are and everything that they’ve achieved in their lives up to
now.

 If you want to feel that shift as well, and you are    ready and serious about creating that love life that you’ve always wanted, then reply tothis email with “ready for love” and the best number to contact youon, and Maria, my PA, will arrange your free discovery session withme.
Want to work with me but not sure that you can afford one to one
coaching, sign up now for my upcoming “unleash the irresistible woman
within” workshop at the pre-aunch price.
Julia xx

What we can learn about love from Downton Abbey

It’s the beginning of the newest year now, the beginning of 2016, and I must admit that I spent quite a bit of my time stuck in the past – very much in the past in fact. I spent it stuck into the latest several series of Downton Abbey. Ok I must admit that, though I am normally too busy doing too many things, occasionally I become one of those people who becomes so involved in a series that I don’t want to do anything at all, except sit home and watch it. Not many series have that effect on me. Downton Abbey is one of them. Considering my weakness for historical dramas of any kind, Downton grabs me not just for its’ so interesting portrayal of history from different sides of life on a wealthy estate (the owners and the servants and the people that interact with them), but also for its gripping characters who have stories and back stories that make us more sympathetic to their plight, in particular to their changing love lives and quirky romances (or lack of romances for some of the characters).
Being a Love Coach, this look at how love took place (or was meant to take place), back at the turn of the previous century, is fascinating for me. I became gripped with the stories of some of the characters’ struggles between doing what they wanted to do and what was expected of them from the society that they inhabited.

The thing about Downton Abbey which I found most fascinating was its inclusion of all ages in the possibility to find love. In fact, that may be one of my favourite things about the series. We watch an elderly widow find love again with another widower, both probably in their late 50s or 60s. Currently, I have several clients in their 40s, 50s, and 60s who come to me complaining that they’re probably too old for love (and for big life changes). But Downton teaches us that it’s really never too late to find love (after all, that was more than 100 years ago and they managed it). Even the beautiful and elegant mother in Downton, for example, is likely herself in her 50s in the series where she is flattered and flirted with (very openly) with a wealthy art expert that comes to look at a painting in her home. This happens even though she is married! He doesn’t seem to mind her age any more than he takes issue with her marriage situation when he makes a very obvious pass at her.

Clearly, I’m not encouraging adultery. What I am supporting, however, is the fact that we can be, and are, beautiful at any age – and this is not something that we should forget or disregard. I myself often do all I can to run away from my years and to fight all of the signs of aging that will one day betray me. I am not saying that fighting aging is a bad thing necessarily. Personally, I believe that we should do what makes us feel best about ourselves. So if having more beautiful skin makes you feel good, by all means do what you can to have it (including looking after your skin on the outside but on the inside too with good nutrition). But, eventually, despite all of our best efforts, time will always win, and we must be able to look at ourselves and be satisfied with what we see at any point in our lives, and not only when we are young and youth is our prize. Both my mother and my grandmother are two examples I often site of women who I have seen have great beauty that shone from the inside out despite their years. My kids’ nanny and my former father in law’s girlfriend are always women that I site as examples of beauty and elegance that is with them even well past their 30s, and without investing in expensive or radical surgeries to ward off the process of aging. My nanny, for example, swears by treatments that she creates herself out of things that I can find in my refrigerator. These are women that I know personally and who I know also that men still find attractive.

Though, as women, we are sometimes shown by society that our age will work against us, when we pass a certain point, one of the things that touched me most about the Downton series is its’ demonstration of the fact that this doesn’t have to be the case. The majority of the strong characters in the end series, for instance, find themselves singles and over 30 contrasting what too many people still like to claim as a truth in these modern times. Some time ago a single male friend of mine in his 50’s alerted me to an article published in The Sunday Times insert about women over 40 not being able to find any men who have interest in them (even sexually).This was written from one female writer’s personal experience faced by her and her friends. Recently, there was another article about why older men prefer younger women in a different magazine which another of my successful and older male friends referred me to. Personally, I think we should stop brainwashing women with this idea that they lose their potential as a woman the minute they allow some fine lines or grey hair to show. I know enough successful, single older men who have learned from experience that they will only find their match in a woman who is also their match in age. Many have been there, done that and tried to find love in youth and beauty, but found it lacking. My ex-husband was with a woman 10 years my junior after we split. After seeing that she was clearly not his match, he found a woman who is elder than me and much more suitable. Unlike the younger woman, his current girlfriend has lived as he has and one of her many strengths is the fact that she is a wonderful mother, as well as a character that developed thanks to her age and her time in life. They have been together for several years now and I am always so happy to tell everyone of his wonderful match. It shows his quality as a person and as a man that he did not just become another statistic of the typical man looking for a much younger woman.

Even Downton Abbey has allowed the elder characters to find love despite the times, the society, and their age. So why can’t we allow ourselves the same right? Even the Dowager Countess, the eldest woman represented and in her 70s, is allowed love when an admirer from her past comes forward with interest in renewing their past love affair. You might say that this is a made for TV series and not real life. But I will counter with “and? Who cares?” If these characters are supposed to be a semi-accurate representation of the days at the turn of the previous century, and if in those days you were allowed love at any age, then why do we deny ourselves this right in these modern times? Certainly today we don’t need to hide the fact that we want to be physically intimate with someone who isn’t our husband, as some of the characters had to. We also don’t seem to worry about having children out of wedlock, as a character on the show did. So why do we worry that aging means that we can’t live the life that we want to have? These days our medical care, as well as modern technology and our access to information and alternative care, is so good that we can live decades longer than we did in those times. Plus, it is a well-known fact that women tend to outlive men, so there will be many more women living as widows and as divorcees well into their years. Are we then supposed to give up on all hopes of companionship or romance just because we are no longer considered young? I know that I don’t plan to. I won’t be giving up this battle ever. That’s why I choose to work primarily with women over 30, and I have no upper age limit to who I want to make a significant difference for.

The one thing I can say is that your time is now. There is not time like the present to start to find the love that you seek, or to improve on the love that you already have. If you’re not sure whether to act or to wait, just imagine how it would feel if you were in exactly the same place that you are now five years from now because you keep stalling. And if you’re still undecided about what to do, why not speak with me. Reply to this email for a free half hour consultation call or join one of my workshops listed below. Take advantage of my Valentine’s Day promotion that’s only good until Valentine’s Day to join one of my workshops for almost half off the price.

The Art of Manifesting Love

The Art of Manifesting Love

Valentine’s Day has passed, bringing with it that crystal clear sentiment of feeling more single if we’re single. We live in a world these days that doesn’t allow us to sit and wallow for long. Work, life, and the everyday get in the way. But if you’re single, and you don’t want to be single, then that feeling of being singled out isn’t one that disappears. In fact, it’ll come back to haunt you in those unexpected moment. You’re on a tube or a bus and you see a happy couple leaning against each other. You’re in a restaurant with friends and you see another happy couple holding hands on the table and stealing kisses from each other when they think no one is watching. You’re walking in the park and there’s a couple walking together happily flirting and giggling with one another like two teenagers. And then it happens. That creeping feeling that you don’t want to let in, that you’ve spent all this time keeping out, that you’ve filled with whatever you can to try and suffocate it; it comes creeping back in. And it sounds something like this: “Why don’t I have somebody special in my life? What is it about her that makes her lovable that I’m missing? Why doesn’t anyone love me like that?”

The thing about love is that it is out there and available to all of us, just like sustenance of any kind. Whatever higher being you believe in – which I’ll just call The Universe for now – it wants us all to find what we’re after. It wants our success and it desires our happiness. Then the question of all time arises: Why is it that some people find happiness, love, financial security and success…; while others don’t?

Ever since I began coaching clients on improving their love lives some time back, I have tried to isolate the key ingredients that some possess that ensures that they are successful in love. Even with my clients, I’ve seen some find success immediately, while others take longer to understand and act on the principles that I teach them. In my quest to understand what works, I’ve began to watch and question the women who I find successful and to dissect what makes them that way. I’ve also started quite a big research project with men, which I’ll be telling everyone on my mailing list about very soon. Let’s just say, it’s BIG and I’ll be sharing it will all of you loyal readers and allow you to partake in some incredible findings.

But other than all of these clear ingredients which I’ve learned about, I’ve also discovered a key principle which I’m now sharing with my current clients to unbelievable success: I call it The Art of Manifesting Love. Like all success in life, love is something that we need to learn to manifest into our lives and there is a way to manifest that brings about miracles. I have seen it clearly in my own life over the years: both for my career and for my love life. I have also seen how forgetting about the principle, and ignoring some of the rules of success, led to long moments of lack. As happens to many people, the feeling of lack then increases inside me that lack which then surfaces in life as more of that lacking. If I would allow myself to get stuck and sink into that feeling, that would then have the effect of further eroding my life. Believe me, I’ve been there and I’ve done that. Luckily, however, this distance from the life I want to live would serve eventually to wake me up into pursuing what I want once again, and I would reconnect with the principles and bring my life back in order and flowing in the right direction.

All of us will go through moments of emptiness, moments of unhappiness with our lives, moments of feeling alone in our journey and realising that we don’t want to be alone. The trick is to use that feeling of dissatisfaction to propel us forward, and not as an excuse to wallow and to sink into the beckoning unhappiness. It is always easier to complain, to sit at home and moan about how poor the options of great men out there are while sinking a spoon into a pot of ice cream and watching a chick flick on our own (or whatever your poison). It’s much more difficult to come to grips with the fact that we’re unhappy and to do something about it finally. I’ve had clients that I met for the first time a year before they decided to finally sign up and do something about their lives.

Sometimes it takes many years to be ready to change; after all, change isn’t easy. Some clients I met at the beginning of my coaching and they weren’t ready to take me up on the offer. At that time, though my prices were low, they seemed too high because they were still in a place of complaining and wallowing. Months later, however, something shifted and they realised that they didn’t want to be alone anymore and that they were finally ready to do something about it. By that point, my prices had increased, but they were ready to act and so they paid without hesitation. I have unlimited patience for people to be ready to act, because I know that until they’re ready, I can’t really help them. Thanks to this realisation, I’ve now implemented a short set of questions that I ask clients to make sure that they’re the kind of client that I want to work with and that I feel I can help in ensuring a success story for. Now I only take clients who are truly ready to begin their journey to a better love life, and the results achieved are profound.

Without darkness, there can never be light. Without failure, there can never be success. Without obstacles in our way, we can never feel that incredible feeling of successfully surpassing them. If you are ready to begin your journey towards a better love life, I am here to help you get there. For those that qualify, I am offering a free session to help you on your way. Reply to this email with “Better love life” in the subject field to receive my list of screening questions to ensure that you are ready to pursue your own love success story.

TIME TO ACT IS NOW

Time To Act is Now

Ever since I’ve began telling people that I’m a Love Coach, the response I get has been very often a resounding “Oh I really need you!” While this is obviously great for my coaching career, and while I’ve won quite a few clients just by meeting them, it’s also unfortunately a sign of our times when there are more singles than ever and where people struggle more than ever before to truly connect (in person) to another human being.

The problem with today is that we all walk around being extra polite and PC to one another and playing some game that makes us seem like everyone else playing the same game. But this doesn’t work. It doesn’t get us what we actually want, which is normally to be really loved and accepted by another human being and to truly love and accept them back; and it doesn’t bring us any closer to happiness.

On this coming Valentine’s Day in this year of 2016, have the rules of dating changed so much that we don’t even recognize what we’re meant to be anymore? We’ve forgotten what it feels like to love for real (and that’s a word few dare to utter anymore), to fight for what we truly want, to put our hearts out there and possibly have them ripped out. We’re so afraid of getting hurt, that we don’t allow ourselves to feel anymore. But can we ignore the fact that we cannot fly unless we jump. We cannot soar unless we take a risk and at least attempt flight.

We are so afraid of getting hurt, that we do nothing. We are so fearful of crashing that we take no risks. Instead we flick from one image to another on our Tinder screens, because that is a safer type of rejection than actually putting ourselves out there and being rejected. We go through bodies like they’re disposable but we don’t get past the limbs into the soul and we don’t allow anyone into our soul. Everything seems too replaceable, too ready to be discarded. There is always something better around the corner, isn’t there? Why work on anything? Why try to make anything last when there is always something else that is younger, more shiny, more new, and less full of cracks.

We are so fearful of the pain that will maybe possibly come from being hurt one day if someone doesn’t love us as we are that we hide who we are under layers of protective unfeeling instead. We take no risks; we jump no leaps; we stand for nothing; and we never stand out of the crowd of everyone else who stands for nothing too. We blend; we fit in. We forget that what actually makes us special — what makes us amazing — is that fearless individuality that we’re trying so hard to hide.

I have been hurt and I have done the hurting. I have cried buckets for both. But it has passed and I’ve healed and I’ve moved forward. But of all the pain  that one can feel in this world, there is little that feels as bad as loneliness. There is little to cure that constant ache that comes from hiding behind all the layers that stop us from ever reaching what we really want to hold. It isn’t constantly changing bodies that we’re after; not really. Even those who are temporarily distracted by bodies are actually after something much more profound eventually.

But as it works in finance; it works the same in life and in love: no risk; no return. If you risk nothing — nothing of yourself and nothing of your heart — then you end up with nothing. You end up alone. Or worse, you end up with the wrong someone and just as lonely as if you were alone. As someone who has been in all directions of pain, I think that one is the worst.

Valentine’s Day is coming this week, and I know the feeling of wanting to hide, hibernate, escape, whatever. I know the feeling of wanting to run away and ignore that ache that comes from being lonely on a day that seems to celebrate love. But what if we took a risk and did something different this time around. What if instead of running, hiding, hibernating, escaping, or whatever; we stood still and faced the reality of our situation and actually looked it flat in the face and said “no more!” What if we did something about it. What if we took a risk. What if we jumped. What if we laid our heart raw and took the risk of someone trampling on it. What if we said, “that’s it! Now I do everything I can to make sure that from now on my life will be different.”

We will never win another’s heart if we are constantly afraid of letting ours go bare. We will never set ourselves apart from the masses if we always just say the right thing that we hope they’re wanting to hear, if we just blend. We will never stand out from a crowd of everyone else if we behave like everyone else. To be noticed, to be seen, to be felt, to be desired above every other person, we must be different. We must be brave. We must risk everything. And if we feel that we have nothing; well then we have nothing to lose. We must ignore the fear; we must take a risk. We must jump and even if we fall flat on our faces, those moments of excitement, the moments of passion — those moments when we really feel that we can only experience if we take a risk — they will be bigger and better than anything we can imagine if we play it safe; and they will last us a lifetime of memories and maybe even will create a lifetime of love.

If you’re ready to leap and take a risk and to improve your love life, then take advantage of my Valentine’s offers:
One free hour love tune up session for the first 5 who respond with “Valentine’s deal” in an email. Or take close to 40% off my Irresistible Woman workshops coming up later this year, either in London or online.

Julia xx

Why celebrating love brings love our way (even if we don’t feel loved at the moment)

Why celebrating love brings love our way (even if we don’t feel loved at the moment)

Ah it was the Day of Lovers again, the day when lovers seem to be seen everywhere, sometimes forced into celebrating, and the singles want nothing more than to hibernate and hide out for an entire day. Why is Valentine’s Day so much pressure and annoyance for so many?

Personally, as a Love Coach, I like the idea of a day specifically designed to celebrate love. What more important emotion could we celebrate after all? But I’ve also been in the situation of being single on Valentine’s Day and I fully recognize how difficult it could be to be surrounded by couples when you yourself are alone; or even when you have someone, but that someone makes you feel just as lonely as if you were alone.

I can fully understand how many people don’t like the feeling of others having the happiness that they lack, and I can see why seeing others in love can make you feel even more alone if your own situation isn’t one that echoes that love. I’ve been there; so I get it. Since I’ve become a Love Coach, however, I deal with the idea of love on a regular basis.

Now I think of couples in love in a different way, as I know just how special having love really is. The thought of so many people out there finding love, despite all odds, is hugely comforting. After all, love is something that seems rarer and more challenging both to find and to keep these days with the advent of the swipe generation.

Love is an effort that must be made. It is a challenge that must be handled carefully and touched softly.

Careful not to push or pull too hard, but also something to lose ourselves into while keeping ourselves intact – a delicate balance that is much too often lost. There is a comfort in knowing that there are still people out there who, every day, find and uncover this delicate balance.

I like to think that if others can find and keep this amazing thing called love, it means that someday all of us could uncover the secret of this perfect balance for ourselves. Sometimes, in the moments when love seems more challenging or particularly scarce, it is this hope that keeps me going and keeps me positive.

I’ve spent a lot of time watching people who are successful at love and trying to isolate those exact elements that create ideal love life and love life shared as a true team with someone. I’ve spent time interviewing and watching the behaviour of both sexes to uncover what truly makes one successful in finding and keeping love.

One of the main things I’ve found is that it is those people who wish well for others who also find well for themselves.

Everyone I’ve spoken to claims that they want to be with someone with a positive outlook on life, no matter how negative their own outlook is. Those with a genuinely positive outlook on life attract more people in general; they have more friends; and they are nicer and more pleasant to be around.

Being likeable is the first stage towards being lovable. Obviously, there are exceptions to this rule and we all know people that we think are horrible that somehow land themselves a fantastic partner. But these are exceptions, and they often don’t bode well in the long-term. Imagine women you know who spend loads of time primping for a party and look a million bucks, but who wear a sulky or pompous expression when they actually go out. Though they may look beautiful, they generally don’t manage to attract quality people to them because the attitude they wear on the inside shines through and gives them away.

Such is everything in life. People who are attractive on the inside are much more successful in attracting quality, long-term partners to them.

When we wish well for others, even the things that we desire most and may not have ourselves yet, we open up that channel into the universe to allow those wonderful gifts to flow.

Wanting well for others also keeps our hearts more pure and our smiles of happiness for others’ successes more genuine. And this will radiate from us and create positivity that in itself is attractive.

One of the things that I’ve loved most about being a part of DrivenWoman is having that network of amazing women that genuinely wish each other well, being there to help during the failures and to congratulate during the successes. It means that we can truly be ourselves, filled with questions or happily finding answers, while improving ourselves at the same time, becoming the best version of who we really are.

So let all of us learn to smile at love! Let us celebrate the fact that there are many who feel it strongly and who want to show it – even if we ourselves don’t feel it immediately at the moment, or even if it’s a bit dangling in distress, we know that it’s out there and that someday we, too, have the potential to bask in all its’ glory.

Let’s wish others well and open a positive window to all possibilities.

Julia

Julia Keller is a DrivenWoman member and Group Leader; and a transformational Love Coach.

Being Grateful On Thanksgiving

Being Grateful On Thanksgiving

The Americans have just celebrated Thanksgiving, the holiday that is very close to my heart being raised in the US. We gather with friends and family to celebrate an important time in history when the Pilgrims, in what is now the US, gave thanks for a good harvest that year.

I still remember a lesson my cousin taught us many years back on one of the last Thanksgivings that I was able to spend with my family in the US. “Thanksgiving is about giving thanks, being grateful,” she told us and asked us all to go around the table to tell everyone what we were grateful for.

So this year, I find that it’s me ushering both my Love Coaching clients and my kids to consider what they’re grateful for. There are many people I know who spend much of their time thinking and talking about the things in their lives that aren’t working and that they’d like to change. While growing and improving is something I am a very big supporter of (and something I myself am always doing in my own life), complaining about what’s not working on a regular basis is usually not an effective strategy for a successful life.

In fact, most of the people I know who spend a lot of time complaining, actually spend very little time really doing something to change their circumstances.

Some people have simply become accustomed to only talking about what’s not working in their lives. What’s interesting is that those same issues that they’ve always had are still there many years later. Sometimes, the issues even seem to get worse as the Law of Attraction states: like attracts like. Thinking and complaining about what’s wrong and what’s not working, will inevitably draw more of that into your life and you keep paing more attention to it.

This is why gratitude is so important.

When we’re forced to look at what in our life is actually something that IS working and that we feel gratitude for, it introduces a completely different way of looking at our life in general. One of the exercises that I do with my clients suffering from issues of self-confidence, for example, or with issues in their relationship, is force them to look at what they DO like, either in themselves or in their partner. Often, just that little exercise forces a dramatic shift that completely changes the mentality of the person.

That’s not to say that we should rest on our laurels and just be happy with everything we have without ever asking for more. Not at all. Asking for more – and then acting towards those goals – is what drives success.

But we also will never find contentment if we spend all of our time just asking for more. There is a balance that must exist between asking for more and thanking the universe (or whatever force you believe in) for what you’re being given.

Most of us have small miracles coming into our lives on a regular basis. The problem is that we often miss them.

That’s where gratitude is so important.

When we force ourselves to look for what we are thankful for in our lives, we often begin to realise just how amazing and miraculous our life really is.

I always think of my parents and how they speak about each other when asked. After more than 35 years of marriage, they are more integrated and united than ever and each still claims that the other is their ideal partner in life, even with occasional issues that arise and have arisen over time. It may not be possible to have the ideal partner, or the ideal life. But what is within our grasp, is how we look at what we have and what we’ve been dealt, and how we react to it.

The same incident has the potential to be both a blessing or a curse, depending on the perspective from which we look at it. That, in itself, seems to be what makes the biggest difference in how things actually turn out in our lives.

Today, I’m incredibly grateful for my children, my family and my good friends. I’m grateful for all the amazing women I meet who help me realise every day why I do what I do, and a big I give a big thanks to all my clients who have trusted me to take them on a journey of self improvement and self discovery.

What you are grateful for today?

Julia

Julia Keller is a DrivenWoman member and group leader; and a transformational Love Coach.

Time To Life Is Now

Time To Life Is Now

Ever since I’ve had the courage to truly pursue my long dream of becoming a Love Coach, I’ve found myself meeting the most incredible, interesting people who have the potential to be truly great and live a life that is amazing, but who find themselves stuck in one way or another, incapable of truly living or enjoying the life they find themselves in.

I have met men who fear commitment so much that even though they yearn longingly for that incredible love, marriage, and family, when it finally comes along smiling and beckoning towards them, they find every possible excuse not to claim that potential love that is right there in front of them. I have met them years later too, when that love is now someone else’s prize and they are filled with bitterness at that moment when they failed to act and claim that ideal life for themselves.

I have met women who were so hurt by some man who never valued or appreciated them that they wasted precious extra time (sometimes years, occasionally even decades) moping and crying over him rather than stepping out and using the opportunity to meet someone wonderful who could truly be “the one”. Years later, these same women, who wasted their 20s and early 30s in tears and wallowing find their biological clocks ticking against them and their desperation growing and spend that same precious time lamenting how they wasted too much time lamenting!

I know that it’s hard to put the pain away and to stop running after the lost moments. Believe me, I have been there myself. I still occasionally catch myself saying things like, “if I’d only known this when I was younger…”

Time isn’t going to wait for you to find that perfect moment which doesn’t exist and in which everything comes together beautifully.

It isn’t real and there is no point in wasting yet more of this precious time in fear, in hiding, in lamenting, in regretting, in holding back so much that you don’t even allow yourself to feel. You see, life stands still for no one! Time doesn’t have mercy; it doesn’t feel your pain; it doesn’t understand your grievances or your perfect reasons for not being ready just yet. Time is just there ticking away, taking all of your precious excuses and all of your precious hours just the same, whether you live them or not.

I know this now and I know many people who have learned it too late and who still grieve the many moments that they’ve wasted. Most of the people that I know who are filled with regrets live to regret the things that they didn’t do and not the things they did do. The majority of time we suffer for our lack of action; and not for the bold acts that we took bravely. In my own life I’ve come to realise that it is the words that I didn’t say, the emotions I didn’t express, and the things I was too scared to do at the time that still haunt me.

Failures that come from the brave acts I committed I still look upon fondly as one looks upon battle scars that were not too grave and that left only the slight impression of some daring act in the past. But I remember still the waterfall where I was too frightened to jump off the hill that other more courageous (crazy I thought at the time) people jumped off of proudly. I remember the time I didn’t fly in that single engine plane when I had the chance and I missed the opportunity to see the beauty of nature from above; rather choosing to stand watching safely on the ground too afraid to fly while others soared in the clouds and marvelled afterwards about the beauty that I could only imagine for my fear.

And, of course, what I still regret most are the love affairs never attempted because of so many excuses that seemed rational at the time: because I wasn’t ready then, or it was too complicated, or I was too lost in some secret insecurity within myself to even bother saying “hello”.

Whatever excuse I gave myself then, life passed me by as it inevitably does with all of us.

Then there was my lost career path for a while as well; I still regret how many years I’d forgotten who I was and what I was meant for.

I consider myself lucky though. Somehow somewhere before my last birthday, something suddenly woke me up. It was the best wakeup call I’d ever received – one that many people never manage to receive in their lifetime – even if there were the moments of agony when the veil was finally lifted from my eyes and I realised just how much time I’d wasted up to then.

The one regret I still have: that I didn’t see it sooner. I spent so many hours, days, weeks, months, and years in inaction that a small part of my life disappeared with it. Now that I’m awake though I can’t bear to see those who still live in a walking daydream and pass their hours by complaining about the life they’ve never lived, when there is a life just within their reach that they are too scared to take advantage of.

I know many people personally who lamented wasting their youth and not getting married and spend so many waking days speaking of how they’re longing to find that ideal someone to share their life with. But whenever someone who seems like a great catch comes along, they find reasons and excuses of why that person too is not the right person for them. Time goes by and no one is ever right. Before they know it their thirties blend into their forties, and their forties become their fifties, then their fifties become their sixties, and they are still alone and still searching for that elusive match that doesn’t really exist.

The only one responsible for your perpetual unhappiness and lack of fulfilment in life is ultimately – you.

The time to act is now. The time to discover the life you’ve always wanted to live is in this moment. The time to live is now! It’s so important that I will say it again over and over again and it’s what I teach my clients, because it’s this lack of living I almost faded into that still haunts me to this day!

And if you don’t know how to get started on your own, ask someone who knows a bit more for help. For all the women who are reading this and who are ready to live but just don’t know how, and are frustrated with what seems like a constant array of shutting doors, let me be your guide. I have stood where you are standing before and I have known that same frustration and that same feeling of wanting to move but not being sure of how or where. Now that I’ve come out the other side, I know how amazing that light at the end of the tunnel really is, even if there’s another tunnel waiting later on down the road. There is nothing that feels as wonderful as truly feeling alive and truly being in control of your own life and your destiny.

The time to live is now! Why waste another moment in inaction and in a feeling of helplessness. Nothing good ever came out of persistent ruminating without eventual action. Live now! Breathe now! Love now! Feel now! 

Now is the moment to take that plunge, to find that love, to breathe in that moment, to take that risk.

Now is the moment to approach that attractive stranger you’ve been eyeing, or to go further with that friend you’ve been fancying for years (just learn to do it in the right way of course). Life isn’t going to wait out your fears. Time won’t stop or go backwards to accommodate you because you’re not ready yet. Giving into a fear of motion, or commitment, or action of any kind will just leave you alone longer. Yes you can always claim later that you’ve learned to depend on yourself better. But, let’s be honest: there’s no happiness in life as great as that amazing happiness that comes from having a truly fulfilling, loving relationship. Just ask any of those rare people who’ve had the courage to reach for what they’ve wanted and the ability to appreciate it. Don’t wait any longer to pursue it. The time to life is now!

Julia

Julia Keller is a Transformational Love Coach for Women and a DrivenWomanmember. She empowers women to Find the love they want, Improve the love they have, & Love the life they live. Join her DrivenWoman Workshop – Finding Your Femininity, Become Irresistible on 28. September 2015 6:30 pm in Soho, London. Find out more here.

Why So Many Women Are Single

Why So Many Women Are Single

I must admit that since I’ve decided to “own it” and commit to being a Love Coach full time, I’ve met some very interesting people and heard some fascinating stories which bring new light to why so many women are single.

Just the other day, I was at a theatre event, with my boyfriend, that was preceded by some mingling time for guests. As I teach my clients the importance of chatting to people and mingling at social events (including skills for “working a room”), I decided to put those techniques to use in this real-life situation. So, after turning to a couple beside us and ensuring that my boyfriend was happily in conversation, I walked off and eyed the room for interesting people to speak to. Immediately, I caught sight of a woman who I thought was cute, but, from her energy and look, I figured was definitely single. She was standing beside another woman looking rather uncomfortable, her mobile clutched in her hands nervously as if she’d turn to it the minute that her friend found someone else to converse with. This happened pretty quickly as the friend was greeted by someone she knew with whom she began an enthusiastic conversation. As I expected, rather than looking for someone else to speak with, this woman began instead to scroll nervously through her phone.

I decided to rescue her. Walking in her direction, I met eyes with and smiled at a man I’d never met who was clearly eager to chat with someone. I introduced myself to the woman on the phone with an admiring line about her handbag. She seemed extremely relieved to have someone actually approach her and we immediately began to converse. She seemed very sweet and I liked her energy. Upon discovering what I do, she launched into a hurricane of just how difficult it was to meet men in London and how “she’d tried everything”. I listened attentively but didn’t offer any advice, as I would have normally a year ago.

My very supportive boyfriend encouraged me to follow my dream of helping to empower women to find love, and paid for me to be coached by a well-known “Supercoach”, named Judymay, who coaches other coaches on how to get themselves out there and succeed as coaches. Judymay explained to me the importance of “not giving free advice” to people I meet. Clients value much more what they pay for and will actually put that into action. It was true. My parents, who are therapists, had always told me that “if someone wants professional advice, they will pay for it. If they won’t pay for it, they don’t really want it or aren’t ready to hear it”.

Thanks to Judymay’s advice, I was able to avoid telling this woman that she would easily meet someone if she would just mingle rather than looking at her phone. At that moment, the man I’d exchanged a glance with came over and began speaking with me. The woman by my side was just about to shrink away and scroll through her phone again when I introduced her to this man who seemed very keen to chat. I noticed my boyfriend looking at me a bit warily, so I came over to him, gave him a reassuring pat and introduced him to another group standing beside us that I’d never even met before. He easily began to converse with the man in the group, so I moved on.

This time I spotted a woman sitting on one of the chairs to the side of the room reading a book. Yes, that’s right: she was actually sitting and reading a book during a mingling event. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and consider that maybe she was married and didn’t want to meet anyone (though I think we should all be meeting new people all the time regardless of our couple situation). I sat down beside her and asked a question about the book, remarking that I’d heard the author’s name (I hadn’t) and wondering what she thought of it. She seemed pleased to have someone who actually came over to speak with her and spoke animatedly about the various books the author had written and how much she enjoyed his writing style. When she discovered that I was a Love Coach, she right away said, “oh gosh, I could sure use one; I haven’t had a date in years”. “Yes,” I thought. “That might have something to do with the fact that you are sitting and reading a book rather than taking the opportunity to mingle while at an event loaded with available men”. I said nothing but instead began asking her more questions about her. In fact she was easily engaged, very well spoken, and had a fascinating life. I was captivated and saddened by the thought of this fascinating woman not being able to find a man.

Just then, a man with an cute white doggy sat down beside us and I immediately went to stroke him and commented on how adorable he was. From my many dog-owner friends, I even knew some of the key questions to ask to keep a dog conversation afloat. The woman beside me was just about to launch into her book again when, instead, I introduced her to the man with the dog (who I’d never met before). As it turned out, she too was a dog owner and the two easily chatted about the funny things their two dogs did (that wasn’t so hard). Considering my job there done, I noticed the woman with the mobile phone was once again back on her phone as the man I’d introduced her to had moved on.

I was about to return to rescue her again when a man with a lovely knitted scarf beside me caught my eye. I smiled and commented on his scarf. He told me that his daughter had knitted it and we began a lively conversation about how lovely it was that children were being taught how to knit in school (my daughter’s school had a knitting club and she was eagerly knitting a scarf for her little sister). At that point, I noticed my boyfriend looking like he needed rescuing, so I introduced the man with the scarf to the woman with the phone. By the time I walked over to give my boyfriend a warm squeeze, the man with the scarf had moved on and the woman was back on her phone. Luckily, the performance was just about to start so we were all called to sit down.

During the intermission, the woman with the phone approached me eagerly and asked me if I knew the two men that I had introduced her to. “No, I just met them,” I replied. She seemed shocked. “But how did you talk to them so easily?” she asked. “It was like you’d known them for ages!” “Actually, that’s one of the things that I teach my clients,” I replied, shamelessly giving myself a plug as Judymay had instructed. She quickly asked for my card. I apologised that my new logo wasn’t ready yet, so I didn’t have any cards, but promised I’d email her if she gave me her email address. The woman with the book approached me as well at the end of the play and thanked me for introducing her to the man with the dog. It turned out that she and the man were almost neighbours and the two had a dog-walking date planned for that coming weekend. She was nervous, she said though, as she hadn’t had a date in years. I said that I’d be happy to guide her as “that’s one of the things that I do with clients”, and she gave me her card.

My boyfriend meanwhile had made a good work connection. There was a queue for picking up the coats on the way out so I took the opportunity to chat with a couple that was waiting beside us. We found out that all four of us were going to be at the same art exhibit the following weekend so we exchanged numbers saying that maybe we could grab a coffee there.

At the end of that event, I walked out with two perspective clients and some possible new friends. My boyfriend had made a good business connection; and a date between two complete strangers was arranged. All of that was made possible by some simple mingling.

So why are so many women single when it’s just a matter of an easy conversation? I asked some of my shier single friends that question. “Maybe we just don’t feel confident enough to try,” one told me. Or maybe they just don’t know the techniques for mingling in a social situation.

~ Julia

We Cannot Fly Unless We Jump

Ever since I’ve began telling people that I’m a Love Coach, the response I get has been very often a resounding “Oh I really need you!” While this is obviously great for my coaching career, and while I’ve won quite a few clients just by meeting them, it’s also unfortunately a sign of our times when there are more singles than ever and where people struggle more than ever before to truly connect (in person) to another human being.

The problem with today is that we all walk around being extra polite and PC to one another and playing some game that makes us seem like everyone else playing the same game. But this doesn’t work. It doesn’t get us what we actually want, which is normally to be really loved and accepted by another human being and to truly love and accept them back; and it doesn’t bring us any closer to happiness.

On this coming Valentine’s Day in this year of 2016, have the rules of dating changed so much that we don’t even recognize what we’re meant to be anymore? We’ve forgotten what it feels like to love for real (and that’s a word few dare to utter anymore), to fight for what we truly want, to put our hearts out there and possibly have them ripped out. We’re so afraid of getting hurt, that we don’t allow ourselves to feel anymore. But can we ignore the fact that we cannot fly unless we jump. We cannot soar unless we take a risk and at least attempt flight.

We are so afraid of getting hurt, that we do nothing. We are so fearful of crashing that we take no risks. Instead we flick from one image to another on our Tinder screens, because that is a safer type of rejection than actually putting ourselves out there and being rejected. We go through bodies like they’re disposable but we don’t get past the limbs into the soul and we don’t allow anyone into our soul. Everything seems too replaceable, too ready to be discarded. There is always something better around the corner, isn’t there? Why work on anything? Why try to make anything last when there is always something else that is younger, more shiny, more new, and less full of cracks.

We are so fearful of the pain that will maybe possibly come from being hurt one day if someone doesn’t love us as we are that we hide who we are under layers of protective unfeeling instead. We take no risks; we jump no leaps; we stand for nothing; and we never stand out of the crowd of everyone else who stands for nothing too. We blend; we fit in. We forget that what actually makes us special — what makes us amazing — is that fearless individuality that we’re trying so hard to hide.

I have been hurt and I have done the hurting. I have cried buckets for both. But it has passed and I’ve healed and I’ve moved forward. But of all the pain  that one can feel in this world, there is little that feels as bad as loneliness. There is little to cure that constant ache that comes from hiding behind all the layers that stop us from ever reaching what we really want to hold. It isn’t constantly changing bodies that we’re after; not really. Even those who are temporarily distracted by bodies are actually after something much more profound eventually.

But as it works in finance; it works the same in life and in love: no risk; no return. If you risk nothing — nothing of yourself and nothing of your heart — then you end up with nothing. You end up alone. Or worse, you end up with the wrong someone and just as lonely as if you were alone. As someone who has been in all directions of pain, I think that one is the worst.

Valentine’s Day is coming this week, and I know the feeling of wanting to hide, hibernate, escape, whatever. I know the feeling of wanting to run away and ignore that ache that comes from being lonely on a day that seems to celebrate love. But what if we took a risk and did something different this time around. What if instead of running, hiding, hibernating, escaping, or whatever; we stood still and faced the reality of our situation and actually looked it flat in the face and said “no more!” What if we did something about it. What if we took a risk. What if we jumped. What if we laid our heart raw and took the risk of someone trampling on it. What if we said, “that’s it! Now I do everything I can to make sure that from now on my life will be different.”

We will never win another’s heart if we are constantly afraid of letting ours go bare. We will never set ourselves apart from the masses if we always just say the right thing that we hope they’re wanting to hear, if we just blend. We will never stand out from a crowd of everyone else if we behave like everyone else. To be noticed, to be seen, to be felt, to be desired above every other person, we must be different. We must be brave. We must risk everything. And if we feel that we have nothing; well then we have nothing to lose. We must ignore the fear; we must take a risk. We must jump and even if we fall flat on our faces, those moments of excitement, the moments of passion — those moments when we really feel that we can only experience if we take a risk — they will be bigger and better than anything we can imagine if we play it safe; and they will last us a lifetime of memories and maybe even will create a lifetime of love.